The past election brought to the relationship stage a polarization in this country like we have not seen since the 1960’s. It brought to light a crisis between red and blue masculinity, a crisis in values. It woke us up out of our complacency about patriarchy, gender roles and their effect on psychotherapy. I want to be clear. As an Imago therapist and marriage scholar I have never been neutral on the role that patriarchy and gender roles play in marriage.
However, even though the men and women who come to us for help don’t live in a gender-neutral world, my focus is not on the politics of sexism, but on the dynamic that exists at the core of the patriarchal system that I see as having a significant psychological impact on the marital relationship.
I want to begin by making a distinction between political patriarchy and psychological patriarchy, which I believe is relevant.Political patriarchy is very straightforward. It’s the oppression of women at the hands of men. It’s about sexism. Psychological patriarchy is the structure of relationships organized under patriarchy. Psychological patriarchy not only plays in relations between men and women, but also underlies dynamics on a much broader level—among women, mothers and children, even cultures and races.
Patriarchy Has a Dangerous Side
The danger has to do with a toxic, unacknowledged dynamism: the two halves of masculine and feminine, which are separate and unequal. What we have done with masculine and feminine qualities is to “cut” a whole human being in half. We’ve drawn a line and said: one side is masculine and the other side is feminine.
As someone who has always viewed herself as possessing both feminine and masculine qualities, I’ve always struggled with that split. A family therapist by the name of Olga Silverstein calls this split “halving.” Halving anything is inherently traumatic and imposed by violence.
The Power Struggle
In the 1970’s, the Feminist Movement created a significant shift in women’s identity roles in relationships. Newly empowered women began insisting on deeper levels of emotional intimacy. The knowledge that anger and lust are the only two emotions men are allowed in the traditional patriarchal system, combined with the burden and responsibility of entitlement, forced men into a helpless rage. This festering rage has thrust men into what has been known as a “crisis of masculinity.”
The trauma of placing people in boxes of feminine and masculine has another toxic and traumatic component, which is—contempt. This contempt has to do with how we historically have reviled the feminine and exalted the masculine.
Because of the way boys are socialized, by the time they reach kindergarten, there is a statistically measurable diminution in their willingness to express feelings. They still feel their feelings, but they won’t let you know it because they already know the politics of masculinity. Boys know that feelings are associated with being “feminine.” They have already internalized this at ages three, four and five.
What is deeply disturbing and traumatic is that boys become men who are cut off from their emotions, their sensibilities, from their wants and needs and, more importantly, from their vulnerability.
“Stop crying, stop whining!” is heard by many boys as early as 3 years old, when they are really just seeking support and closeness and a way to release the energy of emotions.
Being tough, insensitive, demeaning to and dominating of women are taught as good and strong masculine traits and being sensitive to one’s own feelings and the feelings of others are considered weak or female traits.
The emotional hollowing out of boys leads to a wound of disconnection. Disconnection leads to issues of shame, feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, unlovable-ness … feelings of grandiosity … feeling worn out and above the rules.
So to compensate men for giving up their emotion, becoming a “man” and acquiescing to the rules of patriarchal masculine values, we stuff them with male privilege, which starts operating when they are very young.
Masculinity, Trauma and the Epidemic of Violent and Predatory Behavior
Traditional masculine values hurt men. They’re also a bad deal for their relationships. The evidence couldn’t be clearer. In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) has issued a statement implicating traditional masculine values as inimical to good health. Men drink more, take drugs more (legal and illegal), are more than three times as likely to be imprisoned, and five times as likely to commit suicide.
We respond to trauma in one of two ways: We can embrace our own vulnerability, deal with the reality of what happened to us and start to put it together piece by piece. Or we can deny our vulnerability and mask it with shame, posturing, impenetrableness, superiority and grandiosity. The departure from shame to grandiosity is central to traditional male masculinity.
When men shift from shame into grandiosity it is an amazing self-medicator for them. It takes away the depression, it takes away the impotence, it rights the injustice … it does it all. It creates utter havoc in their life, but it also pumps up their fledgling self-esteem.
The problem with the shift from shame to grandiosity is that it works. It’s similar to being an addict or alcoholic. If the drug or the booze is flowing—I feel good and I feel good about myself.
Men supplement the bad self-esteem and self-worth for the esteem that the drugs give them. When I am separated from the drug or it disappoints me in any way, I go into withdrawal. I go into a crash, and it feels dreadful, lonely, dark, cold and jagged to be in that crash.
But I can only tolerate the crash and feelings for a few seconds. Now I’ve got to pull up from this shame into grandiosity. I’ve got to puff-up and act as if … act myself into grandiosity.
Now, I am an angry victim. Now, I’m a self-righteous victim.
Now, I am an avenging angel and now, I’m going to get that mother**ker!
Venus and Mars: When Mars Becomes a Perpetrator
In a marriage/committed relationship rooted in conscious or unconscious patriarchal practices, the feminine protects the masculine. This is one of the greatest unseen motivators in human psychology—whoever is on the feminine side of the equation is to protect the denied and disowned fragility of whoever is on the masculine side.
Wonder why so many women voted for Trump? Patriarchy teaches us to minimize offensive and perpetrating behaviors.
Even while being mistreated, the “feminine” shields the “masculine.” Whether it’s a child in relation to an abusive parent, a wife in relation to a violent husband, a captive who develops a dependency on those who took him or her hostage, or a church that protects sexually abusive ministers, perpetrators are routinely protected. She protects power—subverts her truth in the face of masculine power.
Every day in my office, I bear witness to traditional hetero-relationships in which the woman feels a deeper empathic connection to the wounded boy inside her man than he feels himself. If she could only love that boy enough, she thinks, he’d be healed and all would be well in the marriage. This is, of course, the classic codependent—relentless hope.
It’s an intrinsic part of the “halving” trauma that victims (the “feminine”) tend to have hyper-empathy for the perpetrator (the “masculine”) and hypo-empathy for themselves. This is called empathic reversal, and it’s our job as clinicians to reverse that reversal and set things right, so that perpetrators are held accountable and the victim is met with compassion, especially self-compassion.
Trauma, Trump Masculinity and Women
All over America, women who have histories of sexual abuse and molestation were triggered by the ascendency of Trump. We have to speak truth to power and call this by its name—we have a sexually demeaning man in the White House. We are also witnessing the systemic impact of psychological patriarchy among other powerful men, like Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein.
Factions of men and women these days are feeling a powerful pull toward many of the notions of traditional masculinity—and not just those few that make for good character, like real courage or loyalty. What we are witnessing is a reaffirmation of masculinity’s most difficult and harmful traits: aggression, narcissism, sexual assaultiveness, grandiosity, and contempt.
It’s dangerous and it’s toxic. The residue of toxic masculinity often plays out in relational dynamics as fear of vulnerability or lack of vulnerability. Read more.