Mars and Venus: Disintegrating the Old Conceptions of Patriarchal Masculinity in Marriage
What is extraordinary is that once men are woken up, they can be taught how to be more relational. They can become aware of their negative patterns and be better able to put themselves aside and show up for their partners. But they absolutely need mentoring to do it.
In my work with couples I have been introducing men to the ideal of a “gentle-man” or “whole man,” which harkens back to some of the positive traits of traditional masculinity—competence, courage and loyalty to inspire flexibility in him, and a willingness to surrender in a way that doesn’t shame him.
I am equally excited to teach women how to stand up for herself with love. How to switch from statements like, “I don’t like how you’re treating me!” to statements like, “I want to be close to you. I want to hear what you’re saying. I want to be vulnerable with you. Can you be kinder right now so I can hear better?”
Both partners need to learn how to be more skilled. But moving each toward increased intimacy and connection requires both of them leaving behind the old paradigm. First we empower the woman, reach into the heart and open up the heart of the man and reconnect the two of them to one another.
This is a new vision specifically for working with men and women. With help they can move beyond their current symptoms or relational difficulties by unraveling defensive mechanisms and social conditioning and reassembling and re-authoring themselves as a whole couple — moving from self-centeredness to empathy, from disconnection to intimacy, from emotional impoverishment to loving abundance.
Do We Repeal and Replace Masculinity?
Intimacy and psychological patriarchy are at odds with each other and, as the old roles and paradigm try to reassert themselves in our society, it is more important than ever to take a stand in favor of a new paradigm, new configurations that provide more openness in men like James and more loving firmness in women like Leslie.
I’m very excited to invite you to a free seminar that I am offering: Masculinity: A Civilization at War with Itself in which we will examine this topic in more detail. I will discuss how covert dynamics of shame and grandiosity drive the old paradigm of marriage/relationship and make intimacy virtually impossible. I will also share practical tools to help restore the intimacy between men and women. The idea is not to “repeal and replace” the entire notion of masculinity, so much as to “sort through, using the best characteristics, and transforming the rest.”
Resources:
The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work by Terrence Real
The Courage to Raise Good Men: You Don’t Have to Sever the Bond With Your Son to Help Him Become a Man by Olga Silverstein
Personal Interview with Terry Real “Loving Out Loud: 30+ Experts Share How to Improve Communication, Sustain Sexual Passion & Create Lasting Love Relationships,” July 15-30, 2014, Hosted by Paula Smith
Online Course with Terry Real: Working with Grandiosity
Article – Terry Real https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1112/the-long-shadow-of-patriarchy