Affaired Partner
Affaired-against partner, or Betrayed Spouse or some such terms, their Survival Brain will start to freak, beginning at the moment of the “discovery.” Lots of stumbling around panic behavior will happen. Lots of Fleeing, Freezing, Submitting, and Fighting. They will be pretty chaotic for a bit – maybe weeks with periods of relief. Still, the anxiety, fear, anger and panic can be relentless. But eventually I think two healthy processes can emerge as the result of infidelity.
In this Affaired-against partner, their image of their past months, maybe of the past years, has been shattered. They know that. Their trust in their partner is gone, and I believe trust perhaps will return solidly in 3 to 5 years, and then only then if there is significant change.
Apologies won’t work. While the Affaired-against partner can generously, and perhaps virtuously “forgive,” at best, that is a shallow event. Their Survival Brain cannot forget, won’t believe the apology, and will start to plan for the future based on what it now knows. It will sound something like, “Ohmygod, I just forgave a, perhaps well intentioned, apologizing liar and betrayer. What the hell am I doing!”
This first process then will be about the profound shock (the Survival Brain hates shocks). This situation is a betrayal (big surprises) at the Survival Brain level, and it’s all about discovering your partner lying (how much?) or withholding data (how much?). It doesn’t take an affair to kick this process off. Could be many things. The knowledge that your partner can and has lied will never be forgotten. I don’t think it wise to forget it.
I also think this process is wonderful. I think it is earned. It is a huge wake-up call to what I call “blind living”, unconscious relating, living out of contact, living in fantasies. This is about growing up. Hopefully the shock is big enough to truly wake up the Affaired-against partner and never let them go back into unconsciousness.
Once we’ve found our partner has lied or withheld, the question becomes how do we go about “forgetting” that they have this capacity?
The truth is our brain cannot forget. The Brain’s rule of thumb is, “If you aren’t hearing daily from your partner about the details of their inner world, you are probably heading for trouble.” This is big grown-up stuff!!
The second process that kicks off, I think, emerges from the first. The Affaired-against partner’s Brain wants to re-establish safety – to have Predictive Information (i.e., no more surprises) and a Sense of Control (I want to know what the hell is going on, often called Chaos). Thus it goes to work. (The Survival Brain never gives up, bless ’em.)
It wants to know how it got to be so surprised by the Affair. It wants to know how it missed knowing what was going on in their partner. And now it wants to know all about what was/is going on in their partner that made their partner’s behavior (the affair?) logical and predictable.
And finally it wants to know why friends didn’t clue them in. In general the Survival Brain wants to see the “sense” in it all, so as to be able in the future to predict and prevent stuff like this from happening again. As such, the Survival Brain is scared about building safety.
The process of building safety will probably involve needing to build terrific communication skills in order to:
- Overcome whatever unwise and foolish communication failures led to the partner’s withholding and,
- To facilitate the process of getting and assimilating all this data – past, present, future.
Often this second process starts by lots and lots of questions (always a risky communication tool) directed at the other. “Why did you do that?” “How could you do that?” etc. etc. etc. etc.
Even if the Affairing partner shares all at once (which is extremely unlikely), the Survival Brain stills fears that will not be enough. The Survival Brain has lost trust in both the Affairing Partner and it has also lost trust in its own body/mind, emotions/perceptions.
Thus Affaired-Partner feels betrayed on two levels: by the partner and by you – yourself. “I should have known? Why didn’t I see it coming? Why was I so blind?” are questions that beg answers that one cannot get from the Affairing partner to the satisfaction of the Survival Brain.
The Healing processes of the Affair will reach its conclusion over time, when both notice that the Affairing partner has become, in a significant way, a new person, – such a person to whom an affair makes no sense.
This new state (a conscious state) includes: 1) Knowing pretty much what led their partner to the affair and how their partner has since changed their world view. 2) This is certainly not a cosmetic change. Its big! 3) A sense of confidence in that the Survival Brains are no longer blind to what is happening. That means changes too. And fortunately all for the good.
Affairing Partner
Over on the other side, a very different process is happening for the Affairing partner’s Survival Brain.
One thought I have is about differing histories and adaptations. In many ways the affair for the Affairing partner begins long before the Affair, and certainly long before the Affair was discovered. This often includes lots of details about distress, disappointment, loneliness – endured in their relationship for a long time. It includes the quick or premeditated decision to put into action a tactic of Fleeing toward another person (to relieve the distress) – the Affair.
It may include the collapse of a first affair and perhaps of the many attempts to get away to safety. It probably includes the shock of exposure, after probably years and years of managing to be invisible, hiding in the shadows, to live outside the partner’s awareness. This was probably the life of their Survival Brain and it was pretty much active all the time (in the shadows).
Often this includes a profound trapped feeling of: A) That didn’t make me safe, and B) neither does this. The Survival Brain hates traps. And thus lots of panic and stumbling behavior. And, and, and, you gotta deal with your partner and their Survival Brain behavior now! Wow!!
Probably the biggest challenge will be the lack of confidence that your Survival Brain has in your ability to protect itself-You.
Again, I believe two healthy processes will probably kick off for the Affairing Partner’s Survival Brain.
The first process will be mostly about creating immediate safety from their partner, their partner’s Survival behaviors (including Fleeing, Submitting, Freezing and Fighting), their partner’s questions (which will probably come across as attacks), their partner’s genuine neediness, etc. This will include seeking safety from their “friends, family and acquaintances and the critic committees,” who decide to use this occasion as an opportunity to vent their own anger and judgment. (Remember, people, and even you, are attacking you for doing your best.)
This will also include having to deal with the need for connection (feelings of abandonment)/and space (feeling overwhelm) while all the above is going on. Wow, lots and lots of room for panic here. But this stuff is kind of immediate, in-your-face stuff – just what the Survival Brain is designed for. Lots of Flee, Freeze, Submit, Fight stuff.
The second process for the Survival in the Affairing partner is probably again about getting more Predictive Information and obtaining a Sense of Control or order. I am talking here about building Trust where it has not existed for a long, long, long, time – maybe 5,10,20 years.
This second process focuses in two general directions: How did I get myself into this mess/chaos and how do I get out of it, reliably. The goal is to grasp the sense in what was done in the past and build a future that has more chance of being safe and reliable – for everyone.
This not a tiny or quick task. “Grasping the sense” means converting things that seem chaotic into predictable sensible behaviors. I think this is a good time to use a good counselor, to help you understand what you did, why you did it and plan better behaviors.
Together
Now, put these two people side-by-side, and you can see why Trust is a major building project? Gotta calm panicking Survival Brains while developing long range skills of Safety/Trust through lots of bonding and attachment, empathetic communication, and validation. I call it vulnerable-truth telling.
Personally, I think from the Survival Brain point of view, an “Affair disclosed” is a total a wake up call to build something real. An abiding pattern of mistrust is about to be, at least can be, built into a relationship of trust – starting now. A relationship built on mistrust has been divorced by a non-avoidable event: An affair. So ya gotta build the new.