If things are not going well in our intimate relationships, it can feel like a personal failing. Many of us prefer to do things on our own, or feel that it is a weakness to seek help from others. But the truth is, most of us have not had very good role models for healthy relationship, and few of us have been taught the skills necessary to have a truly thriving relationship. And relationships are like any other endeavor–we need to have knowledge, training and skills to be successful!

So what should you expect from Couples Therapy?

1. You should learn skills to help you communicate more effectively, and navigate the inevitable bumps in the relationship road. In Imago, we use the “IMAGO Visit” as our primary tool. This method has been used and refined for over 30 years, and has been the standard by which many other therapy approaches have followed. You will learn to listen deeply to your partner, and to manage your reactivity in ways that allow both of you to feel safe, heard, and understood. This is the essential skill that leads to relationship success.
2. You should gain understanding of your “core issues”. In my experience, every relationship has 2 or 3 core relational issues that come up over and over again. These issues can turn what is essentially a great relationship into a nightmare! When these issues get triggered, we can become so hurt and angry that we forget all of what is good in the relationship. Some common issues include: Feeling disconnected or smothered by our partner; feeling criticized or blamed; feeling unappreciated; feeling controlled; losing our sense of autonomy or independence, or losing our sense of “Self”; and so on. Couples therapy will help you identify what the core issues are that are operating in your relationship. It will also help you to understand why those issues are there, how you can not only dissolve the pain, but also get your needs met in ways that you may have never experienced before in your life!
3. You should learn how to grow in your relationship. Couples therapy can help you address your particular needs as a couple. We believe that relationship is both our greatest source of satisfaction, as well as our greatest source of challenge. Intimate relationships often force us out of our comfort zone. They require us to see the world through our partner’s eyes by “stretching” ourselves. For example, if your partner is the more “emotional” one in the relationship, they may be calling you to stretch into awareness of your own feelings and emotions. If your partner is the more logical/rational one in the relationship, you may be called on to learn to contain your emotional reactions, and to further develop your rational side. In short–when we stretch to meet our partner’s needs, we “grow up” ourselves. But first, we have to…
4. Learn how to be more generous, loving, and giving to our partner. Marriage or couples therapy is not just about solving problems, or resolving conflict. It will also help you to enhance what is positive–deepening your connection, and your ability to give and receive love more fully.

Every couple is different, and effective therapy will address your particular needs as a couple. These are just some general principles that I have found to apply for most couples, and most couples therapy. I hope this is helpful. Click to schedule an initial consultation.