Are you struggling in relationship? Do you wonder how the person you fell in love now seems like a stranger behind a cold mask? Or perhaps you are a couple beginning the journey and preparing for marriage and you want to be one of the 50% who actually make it. Or maybe you are single, lonely, desiring a partner in life, but feel discouraged by dead end relationships that leave you unfulfilled.
Imago Therapy helps people to understand the unconscious factors (the Imago) in their selection of each other. It reveals the emotional dynamics that are being replayed from childhood and past emotional learning. And it teaches couples how to relate to each other, and themselves, in a more nurturing, attuned, and loving way.
We are taught that when we fall in love, the feeling is supposed to last forever. We meet the person of our dreams and a magical transformation takes place within us. We feel alive, whole, connected to the world and the people in it. Then, before we know it, that magical feeling disappears. Disillusioned, our dreams shattered, we begin to feel angry and betrayed.
We may then try to coerce our partners into giving us what we need. Coercion takes the form of criticism, withdrawal, shaming, blaming, intimidating, or attacking (to name a few). Or, sometimes it is just the opposite. We enter into numbness, where there seems no emotion or love at all.
We may feel entitled to wait for our partner to come alive first, to wake up, to see our pain and how they have wronged us . . . and to make motions towards amends. Most likely, we end up in a stalemate. Some of us go on locked in this painful power struggle for years until we either break up or seek help, desperate to have the love relationship we have always desired.
The Power Struggle
One of the reasons for the power struggle between partners is that nature has a way of attracting “Maximizers” and “Minimizers” to each other. Couples tend to share similar wounding, but each partner’s way of reacting may be different. The chart below describes some ways we might tend to handle emotional pain and conflict. Do you identify with either style?
A power struggle is inevitable!
Minimizers
Implode, turn feelings inward Minimize feelings
Tend to be self-reliant
Mostly deny/minimize needs, withhold information about inner world, withhold feelings, thoughts, behaviors, gather direction from self
Tend to be inward or self-focused, tend to be more controlling
Also known as “Turtles”
Maximizers
Explode feelings outward, Exaggerate feelings
Tend to depend on others, mostly exaggerate their needs, share a lot about their inner world, excessively generous
May ask direction from others, tend to be other-focused, tend to be more submissive. Also known as “Alligators.” Turtles and Alligators are metaphors we use in Imago therapy.
A power struggle is inevitable when we stop listening to each other. Power struggles intensify when we truly do not want to hear our partner’s reality because it feels
threatening to us. Confusion and misunderstanding ensues when we do not take full responsibility for trying to make ourselves understood. We can slip into a complacent, unrealistic expectation that our partner should be able to read our mind and heart’s desire. After all, if s/he really loves me – why would that not be second nature?
Confusion, intense hurt, and loneliness can set in when we are unable to work through the power struggle effectively. These emotions hold history and they can be powerful. Out of fear, we run from the very intimacy and feeling of safety we long after. We may exit emotionally, divesting our energy into careers, the kids, hobbies, the PTA, the internet, pornography, affairs, hobbies, volunteering, athletic pursuits, drinking, drugging, friends, or extended family. If we shift away from the most important person in our life, our primary love, then we remove the opportunity for nurturing and connection to have thriving relationship. This is likely to prove fatal to the relationship.
We become distant strangers or passionate arguers. Either way, we are painfully fractured.
Does this describe the relationship you’re currently in? Would you like to restore some of the passion and intimacy you once had? Perhaps you need to rebuild from the ground up. Or, are you an individual looking to find the love of your life and do not want to repeat past mistakes?
Whatever your situation, Imago can bring clarity while equipping you for the journey in healing and growth. The skills and tools available through Imago support individuals and couples in learning how to deeply and authentically thrive in love relationship.