Folks, we are living in a polarized era sautéed with suspicion. You and I not only know this, we feel it — everyday. It can be difficult to discern the true from the false, and the energy it takes to do the daily mental calisthenics of fact and motive checking is colossal.
While political polarization and divides have long existed in America, they have become more extreme and conspicuous in recent times rather than remaining subtle disagreements.
While political rhetoric and tactics today may seem extraordinarily hostile, the underlying motivations are sadly nothing new. Self-interest and winning at any cost have long driven political gamesmanship, even if the methods have grown more extreme.
The vicious cycles of corruption and vitriol poisoning public discourse now play out more openly in the unfiltered era of social media. But the same primal human weaknesses feed the abusive excesses of each generation’s politics. Politicians peddle distrust to sow division, often without realizing how this climate of suspicion seeps into our psyche, souls and relationships, draining our spirit. A simple trip to the market can bring up feelings of suspicion and fear, not knowing when mild tension might erupt into violence.
Leaders have long exploited fear, prejudice and division in their ruthless clawing for control, power and status. As citizens of this corrupt system, we have always been vulnerable to alarmist rhetoric that strips the opposition of humanity. I am not saying this to normalize today’s hostility and dysfunction, but perhaps recognizing the deeper systemic patterns can illuminate sustainable pathways to progress.
Political hostility, dysfunction and polarization has put a strain on intimate partnerships in both insidious and overt ways. In my clinical practice, I often bear witness to spouses clashing over current issues, revealing vastly different ideologies that leave both feeling disillusioned and scared. Sometimes the damage is subtler as skepticism slowly seeps into the relationship. Partner’s scrutinize each other’s reactions to news events, searching for confirmation of newfound suspicion around values. Casual comments and mannerism get magnified as evidence of hidden extremism. Defensiveness and withdrawal replace vulnerability, eroding intimacy.
In the bedroom, sex and passion cool as resentment quietly takes hold. Affection feels hypocritical across this newly visible divide. Political divisions come to feel personal, overshadowing shared history and vows of love.
The Impact of Political Polarization on Black couples
For Black couples the polarized political climate compounds challenges.. Navigating racism already tests Black love and political tensions add more strain. One partner may accuse the other of complacency and betrayal of the community if they don’t match levels of outrage. Anti-racist ideals become tests of loyalty. If political exhaustion sets in differently, one partner may feel abandoned in the fight for equality and social justice. Dangerous assumptions can arise if their activism doesn’t align. Across contexts, sociopolitical divisions morph into wedges dividing Black couples and families.
Minefields for Interracial Couples
Interracial couples face particular minefields as racial dialogues grow heated. Partners holding privilege are forced to recognize it. Defensiveness derails empathy. White fragility further isolates Black partners seeking refuge. Black partners may feel constantly on edge and vulnerable in ways white partners have the privilege not to. Their reality becomes even more glaringly different. White partners must confront how their own unexamined prejudice may be surfacing amidst polarizing racial dialogues.
Political Hostility as Cover for Infidelity
In an already polarized climate, an affair may subtly emerge from the void left when political divisions fracture a relationship. With intimacy wavering, the allure of an ideologically aligned new partner can be powerfully seductive. As political tensions create wedges between spouses, emotional and physical distances grow. A partner’s worldview suddenly seems not just different but deficient. Flaws are highlighted while shared history fades.
For example, let’s say you work with a charismatic colleague who shares and validates your partisan perspectives which offers a refreshing oasis. Now you feel known again through an exciting new lens, as differences are minimized and common ground emphasized. Venting about your spouse’s offensive views with someone sympathetic cements your bond. An intimacy vacuum is filled as you present your best selves to each other, unburdened by hardships weighed at home.
With your marriage now hopelessly polarized in your mind, you convince yourself this is an identity-based mind meld, rather than an unethical tryst. It feels less like cheating than claiming your true self. Partisan bonding accelerates romantic intensity, making the affair impossible to quit. Political hostility provides cover for infidelity and conditions ripe for it. But no shared ideology can eclipse the wreckage affairs cause.
Letting politics override relationships leaves all of our relationships weakened. Division replaces seeing each other’s humanity as we narrow our gaze upon the differences that seem to challenge threatened personal ideologies. Having political differences does not invalidate someone’s overall worldview; it simply provides another perspective for open-minded consideration rather than automatic rejection.
Engaging Through Differences
This may sound a little cliché, but we all have unique backgrounds, personalities and perspectives shaped by our different life experiences. These differences are inevitable in human relations. But a not so cliché idea about how to engage successfully through differences is meta-processing. Meta-processing involves having reflective discussions where we “think about our thinking” related to disagreements. Instead of just arguing the same points, we explore the origins of our different perspectives, analyze them critically, and consider how they could be expanded or evolved. It also involves having introspective, nuanced discussions where we carefully examine the reasons behind our beliefs and where potential biases color our perspectives. By meta-processing our disagreements — sharing vulnerably, asking thoughtful questions, speaking with care — we can reveal deeper truths and possibilities that exist beyond the confines of our current mindsets.
Ready to Walk Through Meta-processing a Disagreement Step by Step?
1. Share openly about what shaped your contrasting views. What life experiences, values, and influences formed your perspective? I’ll start by sharing my story …
2. Now you share what led you to your viewpoint. I’ll listen without judgment …
3. Let’s each ask thoughtful questions to uncover any assumptions or biases coloring our thinking. What led you to those assumptions? How might your background shape that bias?
4. Discuss respectfully, giving space to unpack thoughts. I won’t interrupt, just listen empathetically as you speak.
5. Examine how emotions like fear or anger may affect your reasoning. Are there painful experiences fueling your passion on this issue?
6. I’ll look for validity and wisdom in your view, even in areas I disagree. Will you look for what might be right in my perspective?
7. Consider potential blind spots or limitations in how we are processing this issue. What could we be missing?
8. Entertain paradigm shifts. How would it feel to stand in each other’s shoes on this topic?
9. Brainstorm compromises integrating our viewpoints. What shared truths might we build on?
In closing, the political climate today is undeniably polarized and often venomous. But we retain power over our inner worlds. While distrust and division may be the refrains of the era, our relationships can sing a different melody — if we have the courage. Choosing radical empathy and compassion does not require sacrificing conviction. Understanding each other more deeply across ideological lines brings nuance to righteous anger. Both truth and justice can still prevail. By upholding human dignity in political discourse, we protect what is sacred. With patience, curiosity and care, we can navigate even the rockiest relational terrain that politics produces. For no party or platform outweighs the ultimate allegiance of the heart — to see the humanity in one another and walk the path of wisdom together.
With radical gratitude,
Dr. Paula
