Interpersonal dynamics emerge from systemic patterns. Our individual and relational proclivities, internal worlds and behaviors do not happen in a vacuum, but take shape within the broader systemic influences that interfere deeply with lived experiences on the micro and macro levels.
Factors such as social categorization according to gender, race, class or other identity facets inevitably seep into the personal domain, as individuals integrate wider cultural narratives and conditions into their psyche and relationships through daily exposure.
The years 2020 and 2021 will likely go down in history as the global pandemic, but it will also be remembered as time of a much needed social awakening in the U. S. around issues of equity, diversity and inclusion. From displays of fear-based nationalism, to overt and violent racism, to the exposure of systemic inequities on many levels, this time period exposed a lot that we need to address within our society.
If you’re like us, the social and political issues have made their way into your homes (as they should), at least in the form of conversation… and maybe in the form of arguments, debates, or even painful conflict. They’ve definitely been the subject of almost daily conversations in our own household.
The Personal is Still Political Today
Gone are the days when the political is separate from the personal, especially for those whose lives are impacted on a daily basis by these issues. In the past, couples could get away with not talking about their racial and socio-political beliefs, but today those can be relationship deal breakers just like infidelity.
It doesn’t have to be.
In light of all this, we’ve been reflecting on how to support conscious couples to have healthier conversations about highly charged topics like racism and white-privilege, whether you agree, disagree, or agree to disagree with one another.
With healthier and more conscious conversations, you can make better decisions as a team about the actions you take on certain issues too.
We get it, these conversations can be difficult
- The first thing we noticed from our work with couples is that these topics can lead to really hard, vulnerable, and difficult conversations.
- They are values-laden and can surface irreconcilable differences in beliefs and attitudes.
- They can be triggering, activating, or upsetting.
- They can bring on fragility, shame, or guilt.
- They can expose apathy, toxic masculinity, or colonial beliefs you didn’t know you had!
But these conversations are also necessary (to the extent that you learn to do it in healthy ways).
We believe that thriving couples can have these conversations in ways that promote intellectual and emotional growth toward intentional action.
Hard conversations help you grow as individuals and as a couple
If done correctly, discussing and taking action together on social and political issues will help you learn about yourself, each other, how you WANT to BE as a couple, and the society you want to help to create.
Have you thought about what you want to model and represent as a couple and through your relationship?
Whether it’s about racism, anti-racism, white privilege, discrimination, or other racially charged issues that matter to you, we can help you create space for more conscious dialogue, intellectual and emotional growth, and understanding in your relationship.
How to Have Healthier Conversations About Social-Political Issues
Let’s take for granted that you see the value in having healthier and more conscious discussions about racial or socio-political issues.
Where do you start?
The key is to focus on being curious and open to truly hearing your partner instead of focused on winning or proving your point.
This is especially important if you find that you have fundamentally different views.
Fundamental differences in views, personality, and lifestyle can cause perpetual (unsolvable problems). Actually, the research shows that 68% of problems that couples face are perpetual instead of solvable problems.
But don’t despair.
The way to “solve” perpetual problems is actually to hear each other out in emotionally intelligent ways so you can understand and respect each other even when you don’t agree.
Think about it, even though you may disagree, have you actually made the effort to see things through your partner’s lens? Do they feel heard?
Ask one another some of the following prompts to help you gain a better idea of each other’s worldviews — you don’t have to agree but you do have to learn to see where the other person is coming from. Whether you’re asking the questions or being asked the questions, try to remember that you’re a team and stay gentle and open with each other — doing so will help you solve miscommunications and address perpetual problems:
➡️ Tell me why this is so important to you. Make complete “I” statements rather than using one word.
➡️ What’s your understanding of the issue? What feelings do you have about this issue?
➡️ How has your perspective of the issue shifted over time?
➡️ How did you come to adopt this view?
➡️ What does this say about your values?
➡️ How open are you to other perspectives about this topic?
➡️ How are our views similar and how are they different?
➡️ What do you wish or need from me when this issue comes up?
➡️ Bonus: How can we learn more or do more about X together?
Choose the prompts that apply. All of the prompts don’t apply to all situations.
Let’s normalize being intentional and conscious about our relationships.
Let’s do it as a community. Who said you need to wait until things are broken to work on your relationship? And who said you need to do it alone? Not a wise one:).
Sometimes we all just need a little nudging, coaching, therapy and feedback to go from stressed out to feeling in zone in our relationships.
We’re not two halves, we’re two wholes sharing a path and we’re inviting you to join the movement!
With radical gratitude,
Dr. Paula
