I think we agree that the key to lasting relationships is respectful communication, however equally crucial is the role that boundaries or “personal space” play in discussions, decision-making, fighting, making-up and all other aspects of couples’ lives is not always understood.

True, physical boundaries are obvious because our bodies are separate from others’ bodies. Yet emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries are more difficult to notice and respect and can easily be confused because they are not tangible and visible.

I like images, so we can picture our emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries as three concentric circles surrounding a field of energy around us.

Our emotional boundaries are closest to our bodies and directly affect our physical state, and at the same time there is an interplay of our physical, spiritual, mental and emotional boundaries which consume our our whole being constantly. How to honor all these boundaries is a core issue in relationships.

So when we argue with our partner by interrupting, blaming and criticizing, or shutting them out we violate the invisible boundaries that define all of us as distinct individuals who deserve love and respect.

Marty and Helena

Marty and Helena (I changed the names) to my office, late and sat on the opposite sides of the couch. Not the two chairs in the couple section of the office.  Marty began, “We’re filing for divorce.” Helena’s eyes red and smoldering said, “I can’t take it anymore.” “She can’t take it?” Marty broke in. “I’ve had it up to here,” he said, waving his hand above his head.  “She’s rude to me, means and always complaining about something.”  “Oh, yeah!” Helena, stuck back, “Well, you’re always criticizing me like I’m your child or something.  I hate the way act so superior, like I should bow down and worship you because you’re so f^&king perfect! I just can’t stand that!”

Four minutes into the session, and already they have exhibited a lot of the classic signs of blurred boundaries: 1) They interrupted each other, 2) Blamed each other; 3) They seemed frightened and anxious; 4) They came late for a first appointment. 5) They also have 2 children and fail to keep them out of their marital conflicts. 

I thought of the children and did what I do with couples whose boundaries need to be clarified. I began teaching them the Imago Dialogue. My role as therapist is to act as their Dialogue coach make sure that each person plays by the rules and stay within the Dialogue structure.  This ensures that they can talk abut even the most difficult subjects without escalating into yet another frustrating fight. 

Even before listening to their litany of complaints, experiencing a successful dialogue is far more healing for couples than for me to talk with them about what they out to do to solve their problems.  Teaching them to speak and listen respectfully is the most effective way I know to interrupt the vicious cycles of boundary-violating behaviors. 

After describing the Dialogue process to Helena and Marty, I asked one of them to begin speaking in one or two sentences about what he or she was experiencing. Immediately, Marty interrupted. “You need to understand that the only problem we have is Helena’s bad temper. When she gets made and says awful things to me I can’t take that. She’s go to learn to not be so angry and talk so mean to me. “

Helena looked hurt and angry. Raising her voice a bit, she jumped in to tell me, “Marty is impossible to live with No matter what I do or how hard I try, he’s always lecturing me and telling me what I do wrong. That’s why I get so furious with him.”

I let them know that I understood their frustration with each other and explained that the Dialogue process would help them find their way through these hurtful episodes, keep them safe and they would be able to speak openly and be heard. 

I once heard that Imago Dialogue and processes are “emotional toilet training for adults. Outside of the Dialogue, our relationships suffer from “emotional diarrhea or emotional constipation.”

With careful coaching Marty managed to reflect Helena’s words back to her.  It was clear that part of him was moved by what she was telling him about feeling scared and lonely.  He could relate those feelings more readily than her angry and critical words.

Lots of coaching was require to help them tune in to each other without allowing their emotional reactivity to escalate over what each were saying that continued to fuel angry reactions–a pattern they had been caught in for most of their marriage.  

After successfully mirrored and asked her to tell him more, Helena reported, “That’s all for now.” She looked relieved, sensing that Marty had connected with all her feeling moments before. 

By the time our initial session was over, both Helena and Marty told me that they felt better and were encouraged that perhaps they could learn to understand each other better. I affirmed them for their courage in coming in to couples therapy and thanked them for their hard work in practicing this very demanding process for the first time.