Cheating. In my experience as a Couples therapist for 14 years, the infidelity thing is all about a decrease in the intimacy in the relationship. It’s about not feeling seen. My work with couples is to deepen their connection and recover parts of themselves that they repressed, ignored, denied or devalued as children and what gets in the way of that process.
What gets in the way?
Fear. And … a difficulty tolerating feelings. Difficulty sitting with discomfort. In this culture we are conditioned to always be “doing;” that actually restricts our flexibility and power. When we are acting in order to suppress a feeling, we’re not really thinking about what we’re doing anymore. We are “reacting” versus being able to “tolerate feelings.” Once we actually realize we have a feeling that’s when we then have a choice. But fear sends couples into their minds where they rationalize and try to make sense of something that is happening in the body. This happens to people multiple times every day, even though they may not even be aware of it.
Then what sometimes happens is partners end up doing things they don’t really want to do in an effort to avoid these feelings: having sex, watching too much TV, gambling, eating, drinking, socializing, working, going to kids’ extracurricular activities, getting kids involved in extracurricular activities – going, going, going, going, going – simply to avoid feelings.
Two schools of Thought: Acknowledging vs. Ignoring Feelings
In relationships we have somebody who is a ‘maximizer’ and somebody who is a ‘minimizer:’ the maximizer is expressive and their feelings come much more easily. The feelings may not be in control yet, but they’re there. Then you have the ‘minimizer’ who generally is much more reserved and less in touch with their feelings, less able to access them, verbalize them and articulate them.
Feelings are feelings. They are part of our existence. They are intricately related to the physiological responses in our body. Sometimes they’re related to the reality around us and sometimes they’re not, and it’s important to recognize that everything we feel isn’t the truth.
How Sexual Temptation in a Marriage Translate into Infidelity?
At the root of it everybody wants to know: “Am I okay? Do you see me for who I am? Do you really see who I am? And am I enough?”
That last one, “am I enough?” is a really big, basic question. Am I enough of a good parent? Am I enough of a good partner? Am I enough of a good lawyer, member of the school board, colleague, business owner, friend? The desire to stray … cheat generally comes from the decrease in intimacy and not being able to feel seen by your partner. And that goes back to being able to really see the world from your partner’s perspective and taking the time to understand it and recognizing that your partner really is a different and separate person from you.
Why this is a challenge for many couples?
What I see in my practice is the constant negating, ignoring, undermining and devaluing of one’s very being and so very often couples do this without realizing it. They witnessed their parents ignore and negate each other’s differences, feelings, perceptions and grow up and get into relationships with people who are like that.
We are very much drawn to what is familiar even if it’s repeating something that didn’t work. People talk about getting into abusive relationships or destructive relationships or something that’s not very healthy. It feels a lot safer to go with what you know than trying to step into something you don’t understand and where you don’t know the rules.
At the root of it … it’s like, “Wow, this person feels a lot like being with my Dad or my Mother.” Not exactly the same but definitely pieces are similar. And that is what couples have to work hard to recognize is their partner is a separate person. The power struggle and conflicts come when they start to realize the other person has some different views and feels differently at different times. That is where the ‘how do I tolerate that?’ comes in. What does it mean that my partner feels differently from the way that I do? Does it mean there’s something bad or wrong about me?’ The answer is absolutely not! They’re just a different person.
Why Do People Cheat?
Cheating happens for a lot of reasons. None of them are good. It happens
Whatever we feel we are lacking in the marriage, if we don’t have the skill-set to communicate openly about what is going on there’s an almighty collision between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that all of us go through and the world that is forbidden which is exciting and hypnotic with promises.
All the while these worlds, feel so separate but then become tangled and woven, one into the other, and that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again. All it takes is one small, stupid, vulnerable, opportunistic moment to send a new marriage or a long-term marriage into a particular kind of hell. One that scalds and burns with guilt and shame.
How Do I Help Couples?
Communication is a huge part of my work. I set up a structure so that each person in the couple can be ‘heard’ and ‘listened to,’ where someone can actually step into their partner’s shoes for a few moments to see the world from their viewpoint, and not agree. It’s not about agreeing or feeling the same way at all. It’s about being able to say, “Oh, I get it. I understand. It makes sense to me that you see the world this way. I may have my own view about it and that’s okay because I’m a different person.” I also teach people about reducing their reactivity, negativity and how to grow the positive aspects of their relationship.
It is really important for people to get out of the Tit for Tat mentality. Meaning, “If I do this for you, then you’re supposed to do this for me” or “I can’t do this for you because you haven’t done this for me.” It’s a big trap. It is really important for couples to get out of that pattern because it breeds resentment and a lack of generosity.
One of the best things about being human is that amazing things can happen when we decide to stop living alone with our pain.
Contact Info: email: paulasmith@post.harvard.edu
phone /text: 401-782 -7899