Shattered
Infidelity, being cheated on, lied to, betrayed: that indescribable rip that starts in your heart and goes on to decimate reality itself. You ask, “Are you not who you’ve pretended to be all these years? Who I believed you to be? I don’t know you. Who are you? Who have I been living with this whole time?”
At Imago Relationships-Providence we are distinctly uninterested in helping couples who have been devastated by betrayal get back their old equilibrium.
Our aim is higher than that.
I am not interested in helping couples survive the crisis. I want to use the crisis as a launching pad for fundamental transformation — in each of the two partners and in the marriage itself. As a couple’s specialist trained in Imago therapy, attachment and systems theory, I know that in crisis lies opportunity and also that the problem infidelity lies beyond the couple relationship.
Both transformation and dissolution begins with crisis, with disequilibrium. Enough disequilibrium spells death to the system as it is. But that might not be the end of the story. The marriage you once had is what brought you here. The only question is can you form a new one?
Some infidelities do end in divorce, but statistically, most don’t. Two-thirds of marriages survive the painful wake-up call. For many couples, this is the dark knight of the soul of their marriage. Most of us has had one, whether it is as big and wrenching as infidelity, or a case of everyday wear and tear, drifting apart, death through attrition. Most of us face a shake-up, a disillusionment so profound that it opens up the unthinkable possibility that you might not make it after all. Our imperfections collide in ways at disappoint, that hurt, and yes … betray one another. Over the years, I have found that affairs happen when:
- The unfaithful partner has insufficient constraints in themselves. In other words, their selfishness overrides their relationally. Sooner or later they’d cheat on anyone. The issue in these cases is narcissism and entitlement. Life is short. I deserve it.
- The relationship has become so unsatisfying -so contentious, or distant or dead — that the cheater feels there isn’t enough worth protecting.
As a therapist charged with helping couples move back into closeness, I usually make the determination whether the primary problem is the character of the cheater or the state of the relationship or both.
A Paradigm Shift
It is time for change. This is the painfully hard-won gift of infidelity.
The Cost
The cost for 2-Day private intensive is $3800. Your investment covers a 2-Hour initial consultation, consecutive sessions, materials and handouts. Intensives go from 9:00am – 6:00pm and can be schedule Monday – Sunday. There is a break for lunch and short bathroom breaks. A 50% required to secure your space.
Time & Location
Intensives are held at the Hope Artiste Village, 1005 Main St. Suite 1208, Pawtucket, Rhode Island. Intensives go from 9:00am – 6:00pm and can be schedule Monday – Sunday. There is a break for lunch and short breaks in between. Call Dr. Paula at 401-782-7899 for more information or to schedule a private intensive.
What the Research Says About Infidelity
Infidelity is a detrimental attachment injury that damages the bond between intimate partners (Shrout & Weigal, 2020). Research demonstrates that married couples who have experienced infidelity are two to three times more likely to divorce (Allen & Atkins, 2012). 34% of all men and 24% of all women participate in an affair (Jackman, 2015). Infidelity has been deemed a major threat to the stability and longevity of marriages (Mark et al., 2011).
There are many different definitions to describe infidelity-from intimate conversations and establishing an emotional connection or physical contact with another individual outside of the primary relationship (Moller & Vossler, 2015). Infidelity is any sexual or emotional involvement with someone outside of the relationship that violates rules created by the couple (Leeker and Carolzzi, 2014). Moller and Vossler (2015) breaks infidelity down into three categories (a) sexual intercourse, (b) extradyadic sexual activities, and (c) emotional betrayal.
Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce in all marital dissolutions (Aneesa et al., 2018). The negative effects of infidelity include depression, shame, low self-esteem, anger, and humiliation, as well as low marital and life satisfaction (Ibrahim et al., 2019). Victimized partners also experience an overwhelming amount of sadness in comparison to those who have not experienced infidelity (Ibrahim et al., 2019). Infidelity can be identified as a basis of creating trust issues, confusion, rage, depression, insecurity, and guilt for couples and often harms the bond between partners (Schade & Sandberg, 2012).
Resources
Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2012). The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample. Journal of Family Issues, 33, 1477–1493. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X12439692
Aneesa, A., Jaffar, A., Zhang, W., Tanvir, A., & Muhammad, A. (2018). Linking infidelity stress, anxiety, and depression: Evidence from Pakistan married couples and divorced individuals. International Journal of Human Rights in Healthcare, 11, 3, 214–228. http://doi.org/10.1108/IJHRH-11-2017-0069.
Ibrahim, M. A., Mohamed, N., Malek, M. A. A., Hoesni, S. M., & Sulaiman, W. S. W. (2019). Narcissistic personality, love styles and love satisfaction as predictors to infidelity. E- BANGI Journal, 16, 7, 1–9.
Mark, K. P., Janssen, E., & Milhausen, R. R. (2011). Infidelity in heterosexual couples: Demographic, interpersonal, and personality-related predictors of extradyadic sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40, 971–982. http://doi.org/ 10.1007/s10508-011-9771-z
Moller, N. P., & Vossler, A. (2015). Defining infidelity in research and couple counseling: A qualitative study. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41, 5, 487–497. https://doi.org /10.1080/0092623X.2014.931314
Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the attachment injury of marital infidelity using emotionally focused couples therapy: A case illustration. American Journal of Family Therapy, 40, 5, 434–444.
https://doi-org /10.1080/01926187.2011.631374
Shrout, M. R., & Weigel, D. J. (2020). Coping with infidelity: The moderating role of self-esteem. Personality and Individual Differences, 154. https://doi-org /10.1016/j.paid.2019.109631