It’s can be hard to give ourselves credit. To look in the mirror and recognize all of the things that make us unique, desirable, and for lack of a better term: The total package.
If you’re like some of my clients, you frequently get caught in the trap of comparing yourself to others. Especially in the age of social media, we are often fed images and videos that are substantially edited, dramatized, and theatrical. And it’s hardly what “real life” looks like off the screen. Still it can be hard to reconcile the differences between what we see on social media, and what we see when we look in the mirror. So, we become critical of ourselves rather than celebratory. But when we’re critical of ourselves, our self-esteem suffers, and when this happens, we stop believing that we’re worthy of what we really deserve and we start accepting less.
It’s time we break that pattern, and acknowledge the things that make you (yeah, you) magnificent, i.e. traits and qualities that people are looking for. The results of the work and effort you’ve put in to become the person you are today. Let’s shine the light on some of the qualities that make you a great partner.
1: You enjoy seeing other people happy.
Great relationships aren’t about give and take, they’re about give and give. When both people willingly put in the effort to make the other happy, it creates an atmosphere of gratitude, trust, respect, and love. You’re the type of person who is always doing little things to make the people you care about feel valued. And … it also makes you feel good to make them feel good.
Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who has this natural desire? It makes you a great lover, a great friend, a great parent (if you choose to have children), even a great colleague or boss.
I think that a lot of folks are caught up in “keeping up with the Joneses.” They’re just trying to prove themselves to themselves (and those around them) all the time in order to feel better. It’s becoming increasingly rare that people actually put others’ needs before their own in order to bring joy to those around them. But here’s the irony: it’s actually more effective to create an internal sense of happiness and fulfillment when you are giving, and not trying to focus everything on yourself.
2: You are patient.
I know this is really hard during these times instant everything. But anything worthwhile will take time, and what is more worthwhile than building love with the person you’ve chosen, and has chosen you? Creating a culture of love that takes time—getting to know each other, trusting each other, learning about each other’s background, opinions, beliefs values;
You need patience when moving at your partner’s pace in the beginning of a relationship.
You need patience when your partner has a bad day and needs to vent to you.
You need patience when they’re not doing something the way that you would do it.
You need patience when your kids are taking too long getting ready.
You need patience when you are generating clients for your new business or adjusting to a learning curb on a new job.
You need patience when your parents are aging.
Patience is not sitting around just waiting, tapping your foot, anxious about when “it” will finally happen.
Patience must, by nature, be calm and accepting.
Patience must be genuine. You have to be truly willing to give people the time and space they need, and if this is an inherent quality that you possess, it will allow the breathing room required for love to grow in its own time.
3: You are honest … and kind about it.
The caveat of kindness is important because our society has slowly moved towards a kind of uncensored honesty that sends the message of “if you can’t handle me, you don’t deserve me!”
I call b.s. on that. Honesty, of course, is a key part of any relationship. We must be truthful about our feelings, our thoughts, our desires, and our emotions. Similarly, we must be willing to tell the truth to people rather than just trying to appease or comfort them with a lie, no matter how small. We shouldn’t, though, be harsh or abrasive in our delivery. The old saying “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” applies here. Honesty is the foundation of any loving and trusting relationship, yet it is most powerful when delivered with care for the other person’s feelings
4: You are passionate.
Passionate people are attractive. There’s an obvious attraction to passion in a relationship, the kind that feels magnetic and it draws you to a person in the most primal of ways.
There is also passion for life.
Passion for an interest, a hobby, a cause, bringing happiness to others.
Passion for what you love doing, experiencing or creating sets your soul on fire. That type of passion extends far beyond the relationship itself and it empowers you to build a life that you wake up every day excited to live. This energy inspires the people around you. It makes them, also, want to pursue the things that they love.
Being with someone who’s passionate about their life will help to keep the fire of the relationship burning. Every day is a new adventure…whereas someone who’s unclear or unexcited about their interests is going to seem apathetic, lazy, and generally “blah.”
Which type of person would you rather build a life with?
5: You are consistent.
Consistency is an important trait in a partner because it means we know what we’re getting. We understand that we can trust and rely upon this person because they’ve showed us (consistently through their behavior) over time that they’re going to be there. They will be our cheerleader and our support person. They’ll laugh and cry with us. They’ll pick us up when we’re feeling down. They’ll be beside us on the sunny days, and holding the umbrella over us on the rainy days.
Consistency is the key to building trust. If someone is always running hot and cold, it’s difficult to predict what (or who) you’re going to get on any given day, will subconsciously hold us back from giving our full selves to the person, as it feels like a risk of getting hurt. Consistency is also a strength in other areas of life. It helps you to build positive habits, routines, achieve goals, and pursue your ambitions.
6: You are emotionally available.
Let’s be honest: Not everyone is emotionally ready to be in a relationship. And, there’s nothing wrong with that.
We all need to process our own things in our own time, and if you’re not ready for love right now … it doesn’t make you any less worthy of it. It does, however, take you temporarily out of the dating pool, as it should. Many hearts are broken by getting into a relationship with someone who wasn’t ready for it.
If, you are emotionally available and ready to open yourself up to love, it becomes a highly desirable trait as that door is open and the stage is set. It is immensely frustrating, difficult, and painful to try to build love with someone who isn’t ready for it. So being honest about the place you are at when you meet someone new, is paramount.
7: You are curious about the world around you.
Intellectual curiosity feeds the soul’s hunger to grow, always pushing us further than we thought we could go. Curiosity is what drives us to grow, learn, and continually become more than we are.
You become interested, which in turn, makes you interesting. I believe that we must love and embrace our partner for who they are today, in this very moment. That is, after all, the only thing that we have.
It is simultaneously true, though, that a lifelong commitment means that we are going to experience many seasons of growth and change alongside that person as they evolve over time.
If you are driven to grow, your partner must also be.
If you are always trying to learn new things, develop new skills, experience new arts and cultures, but they have no interest in moving past their current state of being, it’s going to eventually create a chasm of distance between you over time.
Curiosity gives you the knowledge and depth to have a variety of conversations about a variety of topics which, I’d suggest, is pretty significant when you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone.
8: You are empathetic.
Ah, yes, empathy. The ability to share someone’s emotional experience. To feel for them and … to feel with them. When choosing a lifelong partner, we are doing so with the understanding that life is going to throw us curveballs along the journey.
In many cases it already has, hasn’t it? You’ve been through the ringer. You’ve faced heartbreak, loss, challenges, bankruptcies, failed ventures, family illnesses, financial struggles …
What would that experience have been like with a partner who lacked empathy?
Perhaps you already know…
The truth is that it makes you feel even more alone than if you were alone. A person who is unemotional and distant can make you question your entire emotional experience and value in the moment.
Someone who is empathetic is going to make you feel heard and seen as you’re working through your challenges. They’re going to be right there alongside of you, in the trenches, holding your hand.
Empathy is the very thing that allows us to create bonds and connections with those around us, inside or outside of our intimate relationship.
9: You are elegant.
Elegance?!
“Dr. Paula, are you saying you need to have money to be attractive?” Nope, on the contrary: Real elegance is unrelated to your bank account balance. Real class has nothing to do with price tags; it is an attitude.
Elegance and class are reflected in how you treat the people around you, how you carry yourself, the way you make people feel.
Class is having integrity, dignity, depth, and honor.
We’ve been overrun with imagery of “hashtag classy” online and immediately associate it with a certain social stature or level of financial success, but there are plenty of successful people who have no class, and plenty of average people who are swimming in it. Class is nothing more than a decision to bring value to the world, treat the people around you with respect, and operate with a level of integrity and dignity that never puts your character into question.
10: You are willing to put in the effort.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from clients these days about their dating lives is that people are just not willing to put in the work.
They’re lazy, won’t plan dates, don’t take the time to really get to know someone…
You, however, are ready and willing to give yourself to a relationship.
You understand what it takes to actually build trust, love, and friendship with someone.
You’ve been through the bullshit of the past and know that it’s time to finally find a solid, adult, healthy kind of love that brings joy and happiness to both of your lives…and you understand that doesn’t just happen on its own.
11: You have a strong vision for the future.
How can you build a future with someone who isn’t already building a future for themselves?
It’s sort of like picking up a hitchhiker that doesn’t have a destination.
“Where are you headed?”
“Wherever…”
What you need, rather than just a passenger, is a co-pilot. Someone who knows what they want out of life and is willing to do whatever it takes to create it. And, even more importantly, someone whose visions for their future align with yours. If you’re going in two different directions, eventually your paths will diverge and you’ll be forced to choose between the life that you want, or the person that you want. No matter how “romantic” one of those choices may sound, it will leave you feeling lost and confused about who you really are and whose life you’re really living. Finding someone who is moving towards a goal that aligns with yours is a great way to move you both closer to it even faster.
12: You are socially compatible.
Not particularly an inherent trait, but something that makes you an amazing partner, nonetheless.
“Dr. Paula, are you saying that only extroverts can find love?!” Notice the words here: Socially compatible. It is very difficult to build a relationship, let alone a life, with someone who’s got vastly different social comforts than you do. You’re involved in politics, always working the room at events, have a robust and diverse group of friends who are frequently inviting you to gatherings.
But, they are highly introverted and recoil at the thought of social interactions with strangers. It’s safe to say that this pairing may go sour after a bit.
It doesn’t matter which end of the spectrum you’re on (odds are, you’re somewhere in the middle, nobody likes to be too far on one side for too long), what does matter is that your preferences align with the person you’re with. This way, you can create a happy and healthy social life that works for both of you as a couple.
13: You’re sexually compatible.
The same principal as above applies in the bedroom…well, minus the “always having friends around” part. The point here is that no matter what your “thing” is, align with your partner in similar ways.
Sexual compatibility, while not the most important thing in a relationship, is high up on the list. A healthy and thriving sex life will keep you both emotionally connected and allow you to explore and learn about each other in a variety of ways, which only serves to strengthen your bond as a couple.
It’s not about how often you have sex, or what kind of sex you have…it’s about finding something that keeps your flame lit for years and decades to come. You can’t hope to do this if you’re so far apart in your wants and needs that someone is always feeling dissatisfied, unfulfilled or frustrated.
14: You respect yourself in all ways.
Let’s talk about what self-respect really means…
It means that you have boundaries and standards for how you accept being treated. Not just by others, but from yourself as well. Respecting yourself means that you value your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health and have practices in place to maximize them.
Let me again clarify that I am not suggesting only fit, or strong, or neurotypical people are worthy of love…every human is worthy of love. What I am suggesting is that caring for yourself in a way that best aligns with your needs in these areas is what will help you thrive in every one of them.
Having boundaries and standards lets people know that you don’t just settle for whatever comes your way. You are strong enough to live life on your own until someone who truly deserves you comes along. And, that is exactly what the person who deserves you is looking for.
15: You are fully YOURSELF.
What is the root of confidence?
The root of confidence, Living your life in a way that is fully aligned with your identity and purpose.
When this is true, you make more clear decisions, you walk taller, you find yourself in better moods, you handle problems with more poise and patience. You build credibility with yourself by creating healthy habits and routines, and sticking to them.
You stop living your life according to what other people think and prioritize your own happiness and fulfillment above all…because you’ve learned that can only come from within.
Your identity quite literally defines you. It shows yourself, and the world, who you really are. It lets you show up authentically. It lets you care for others. It gives you the confidence to pursue all that you want in life.
There’s nothing more attractive than that.
With gratitude, Dr. Paula
