We often imagine divorce as the ultimate reset button—a chance to leave behind not just a difficult partner, but all the relationship struggles that came with them. Yet many people are surprised to find familiar patterns emerging in their new relationships, sometimes with uncanny similarity to what they thought they’d left behind.
This phenomenon isn’t coincidental. The relationship dynamics we create are shaped by our internal blueprints—patterns of attachment, communication, and conflict resolution formed through our earliest experiences and reinforced throughout our lives. Understanding why relationship problems tend to follow us after divorce is the first step toward truly breaking free from destructive cycles.
Here are five secrets for a healthy marriage that both lasts and gets better over time.
Secret #1: There are 5 Stages of Love, Not Just Two.
Many of us have come to believe that finding the right person is the most important Stage 1—hence all the programs and dating sites that promise to help you find your soul mate. Once you’ve found, no commit to, that special someone, Stage 2 begins as you build a life together. We are then told that we are then entitled to live happily ever after. But that is not the case for a lot of us. Here are the 5 Stages of relationship:
- Stage 1: Falling In Love
- Stage 2: Disillusionment (Power Struggle)
- Stage 3: Doing the Work
- Stage 4: Transformation
- Stage 5: Real Love – Using the Power of Two to Change the World
Most marriages that fail do so when one or both partners become disillusioned.
Is this all there is? I need more. I’m tired of working to make things better and I don’t want to remain in a hollow marriage. But disillusionment is not only a feeling, it is an actual stage of marriage that can be understood and successfully navigated.
Secret #2: Disillusionment Is Not the Beginning of the End, But the Door to Real Lasting Love.
If we believe there are only two stages for having the relationship we’ve always wanted, then when things start to go south, we ignore the signs or we wear ourselves out trying to fix things. It’s exhausting just thinking about all the things we do in this stage. When things don’t get better, we blame ourselves or our partner and then we feel we must get out of the relationship because it seems that no matter what we do, things don’t get better.
Sound familiar?
Most people either stay stuck in their pain or want to bail out. What is called for here is support and guidance to keep going deeper to break through the disillusionment. Circling the bowl in the same old arguments is tiresome and futile. One of the most important things we teach people in therapy and workshops is understanding the value of Stage 3.
Secret #3: Doing the Work
Falling in love is by necessity deceptive. We so want to find that right person, we project all of our unmet needs and desires on them. We don’t see the real person, we see what we want and hope to see. We also don’t fully share our real selves. We share the parts of ourselves we think will be most attractive to a potential partner.
As we get older and we spend more time in our marriages, we often become more and more afraid to reveal our true selves, speak about our real needs and desires. Men often ignore the warning signs or see the signs but never really know what to do to fix things. Little by little the disillusionment builds up and often leads to divorce if a couple doesn’t get help.
In Stage 3, doing the work means recognizing our projections and taking the risk to slowly reveal who we really are and accept the gift of who our partner really is. We also recognize that there are unhealed wounds from our past relationships, most importantly from our first relationships — the ones we had growing up in our family with our parents. We must get real with our past in order to have the future we all want.
The famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said,
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.
This is never an easy task. If we can get help navigating it successfully, Stage 3 can help us release the illusions that keep us from our true selves.
Secret #4: We All Have Faulty Love Maps That Must Be Corrected.
Most of us grew up in families where we got a distorted map of what real lasting love was all about. There were beliefs about ourselves and others that were implanted in our brains and became mostly unconscious. We were implanted with internalized messages that told us things like:
- I am not safe.
- I am worthless.
- I am powerless.
- I am not lovable.
- I cannot trust anyone.
- I am bad.
- I am on my own.
Or we see our partner through the lens of these unhelpful belief systems. Do you recognize some of these beliefs in your own marriage?
Secret #5: Real Lasting Love Requires Three Necessary Ingredients.
Most of us have no idea how to nourish a healthy relationship through all the challenges we face as we age. It’s as though we are given a beautiful and rare flower, but we mistakenly give it too much water or not enough. I thought all I needed to do when I got married was to refrain from being mean and nasty. But it took me a long time to learn the simple, yet necessary ingredients for real lasting love to flourish.
The late Psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson, offers guidance in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. She helps us remember these three ingredients with one simple word: ARE.
- A is for Accessibility:Can we reach each other? This means staying open to your partner even when you are tired, hurt, or insecure. Answering “yes” to questions like: Can I get my partner’s attention easily? Is my partner easy to connect with emotionally?
- R is for Responsiveness: Can we rely on each other to respond to our emotional needs? Answering “yes” to questions like: If I need connection and comfort, will you be there for me? Does my partner respond positively to my signals that I need them to come close?
- E is for Engagement: Do we trust our partner to value us and stay close even when we are out of sync with each other? Answering “yes” to questions like: Do I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner? If we are apart, can I trust that we are still connected and cared for?
Most of us didn’t learn how to give and receive real lasting love. We forget that like food, we need these types of nourishment often, many times a day. A big splurge on anniversaries and special occasions never makes up for what we miss if we don’t get regular gifts of love every day.
Divorce is not the answer because we know that these skills can be taught. I believe it is never too late to have a happy marriage. And most midlife marriages are worth saving.
Blessings,
Dr. Paula
