Boundary-violating styles of relating are always defensive. Their purpose is to hide our true feelings and experience from our partner.  Instead of openly revealing ourselves, we attack, withdraw, or deny our real feelings.  When we do this, we look like we are powerful, but this is just a defensive posture that hides how truly vulnerable we really are.

By violating our partners boundaries (by attacking, criticizing, name-calling and defending) we are trying to shift our vulnerable feelings on to them.  If they take our words or our behaviors personally or at face value, they will feel hurt, angry, violated … and vulnerable. Because they do not know what is really bothering us, and therefore can’t respond effectively.  Instead they are most likely to react to our boundary violating behavior with defensive boundary violating behaviors of their own. Then our interaction will escalate into a raging battle or a cold emotional stand off. In the end, we both feel shaken, sad, and sorry.