The decision to distance ourselves from our family rarely comes easily or suddenly. Instead, family estrangement typically emerges from years of pain, conflict, unacknowledged trauma and attempts to maintain relationships that ultimately prove emotionally unsustainable. The causes of such separations run deep, often interweaving multiple layers of hurt, misunderstanding, and irreconcilable differences.
I’ve been there. I was estranged from my family for the first nine years of sobriety. Excited to have found a new, spiritual way of living and having taken responsibility for my own part in the strife in my family, I was excited early on to create new relationships with my family members. But my efforts kept failing. I had grown, but family members weren’t able to see who I had become. And I wasn’t able to see that my expectations of them (many whom were still in the throes of active addiction) were unrealistic; that just because I had embarked on a journey of addiction recovery, it didn’t mean they had to. So I left each time feeling misunderstood and disappointed. After almost two decades of trying to establish relationships with two generations of family members, it was just too painful and I reluctantly cut off contact. Though it felt necessary in that moment, it still hurts. Family estrangement leaves more than just an empty seat at the holiday table – it creates a void that echoes through every celebration, milestone, and quiet Sunday afternoon.
Relationship dynamics within families can create patterns that ultimately lead to estrangement. Persistent boundary violations, controlling behaviors, and long-standing patterns of favoritism or scapegoating damage family bonds. The impact of unresolved past trauma often reverberates through relationships, especially when there’s denial or minimization of historical hurt. Sometimes, disapproval of a family member’s partner or spouse creates rifts that prove insurmountable.
Perhaps most devastating is the breakdown in communication that often precedes and perpetuates estrangement. When family members consistently refuse to acknowledge harm, take responsibility for their actions, or validate others’ feelings, meaningful dialogue becomes impossible. This pattern of invalidation creates emotional distances that eventually manifest in physical separation.
For those experiencing this unique form of loss, the absence feels both heavy and hollow, marked by the paradox of grieving someone who is still alive. Unlike the finality of death, estrangement carries its own complex burden: the constant weight of possibility, the wondering “what if,” and the delicate balance between hope and acceptance. Whether you’re the one who stepped away or the one left behind, living with estrangement means navigating a landscape of complex emotions, unspoken words, and the challenge of rebuilding a life around that empty chair.
Here are several proactive steps to take, if your relationship is feeling left out in the cold.
If you are feeling estranged from a loved one, not sure why, and feel powerless to do anything about it, think about the following:
- Ask yourself if have you’ve been listening. Really listening. If you listen to just have a clever retort back, or brush aside what a loved one is telling you as nonsense, then you aren’t really listening.
- Are you accusing your loved one of playing the victim card and meanwhile you’re also playing the victim? Don’t make everything about you.
- Proper introspection is important. Try self-examination along with challenging any personal narratives you might be telling yourself that might be a lie. This is possibly the hardest one. We live in a world that loves to confirm our own biases, which helps maintain the false narratives we stubbornly choose to believe.
- Is a truly deep heart-felt apology required from you? When someone shares painful feelings about you, resist the urge to deflect with defensive apologies or claims of forgiveness. This response shifts focus to your feelings while dismissing theirs. Instead, listen openly when loved ones express hurt, even if their words are difficult to hear. Their feelings are valid and deserve acknowledgment, not defensiveness. A genuine apology means taking responsibility for how your actions affected others, rather than apologizing for their feelings or positioning yourself as the injured party. The focus should remain on understanding and validating their experience, not protecting your own ego or recasting yourself as the victim.
- Is it a case of two parties ghosting each other and not just one? Does the cliché “It takes two to tango” apply to you? I think there are a few parents who are guilty of pointing the blame at their children for going ‘no contact’, but when you point a finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back. Did you perhaps turn your back on them first without even realizing it?
- Excuses, excuses, excuses. Stay away from them. They don’t help mend a relationship. One can’t change the past, and one shouldn’t allow the past to hinder finding a resolution in the present.
- What expectations do you have of your loved one(s)? Have you perhaps been asking more from them than they can give or is fair to ask, considering they might have other commitments in their life?
- Ensure that you are looking after yourself as best you can. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a personal choice – it directly impacts those who love you. When we neglect our own wellbeing, we inadvertently burden our loved ones with worry and potential caregiving responsibilities. Research demonstrates that mental and physical decline accelerates in those who disengage from active living, particularly after retirement. Proper self-care includes maintaining physical health, staying mentally active, nurturing social connections, and pursuing meaningful activities. This isn’t selfish – it’s an act of love that allows you to remain independent and present for your family. By prioritizing your wellbeing, you give your loved ones the gift of your continued vitality and engagement in life.
- The important thing to remember is, don’t leave your loved ones with a damned if they do, damned if they don’t predicament. Remember, try not to make a relationship harder than it needs to be. Relationships are hard enough as it is.
The decision to create distance from family members rarely reflects a failure of love, but rather a recognition that love alone cannot bridge certain gaps or heal certain wounds. In acknowledging the various paths to estrangement, we begin to understand it not as a personal or family failure, but as a complex human experience worthy of compassion and understanding.
In gratitude,
Dr. Paula
