When a Black client walks through the door of a therapist’s office, they do not come alone. Along with them come the spirits and stories of their ancestry, eager to be heard, understood, and honored. The therapist must make space to welcome the traumas of slavery – the severing of tribes, languages, and customs; the…
Let me begin by saying that I use the term “Black” and African American” interchangeably because many African Americans refer to themselves in both ways. Black marriage is in crisis. The marital rates are declining faster for Black couples than for any other group. Why? As an experienced Black therapist specializing in Black relationships, I…
One of the biggest problems we encounter in relationships involves more than our minds. People tend to think with their feelings and decisions are made from this stance. When people are searching for a resolution to confusion, they will do or say almost anything—even if it is not rational. Therapy provides a window in learning…
When someone gives an ultimatum in the relational context it is a demand that one person makes to another for that person to “do something” or “not do something.” An ultimatum has a consequence that is implied. When we make demands of our partners, they almost always fail. It is an attempt to try and…
Becoming conscious of your racial identity is a process that cannot be explored in darkness and isolation. In our experience, the process of challenging the myths of white superiority (whiteness) and Black inferiority (Blackness) has tremendous healing effects and the potential to create social equality. A few weeks ago, Paula and I facilitated our first in-person Getting the…
In a life filled with visible and invisible struggles, the last place a person wants to exert great effort is—at home. Ironically, if a person does put forth time and energy into his or her home life and marriage, that person can become a safe haven from the inequities, racial harms and pains experienced in the…
This has been a difficult year. Following the carnage we collectively experienced in 2020, from the health pandemic to a racial reckoning, many of us wanted to believe we could take a deep breath and turn our attention back to the mundanity of daily life. Sadly, this has not been the case. We have found…
Let’s get right to it … It’s not that you’re not happy with them anymore; there is still lots of love, still lots of bliss and passion and comfort in each other’s arms. It’s just that now your happiness needs to make room for something else, as well—a sinister and nameless presence that joins your…
In Imago Relationship Theory, therapists work with the notion that the relationship itself is the therapy. We understand that within the relationship partners may struggle with issues like depression, trauma, anxiety, etc. However our primary focus is on your relationship and the tension within your interactional patterns fueled by each partners defensive adaptations. This paradigm distinguishes Imago-therapy from traditional…