In Imago Relationship Theory, therapists work with the notion that the relationship itself is the therapy. We understand that within the relationship partners may struggle with issues like depression, trauma, anxiety, etc. However our primary focus is on your relationship and the tension within your interactional patterns fueled by each partners defensive adaptations. This paradigm distinguishes Imago-therapy from traditional couples therapy where focus is on each individual’s issues and diagnosis.
There are two relational forces that the Imago therapist can use for change between the couple is the tension of difference and empathy. (Schmidt, 2017).
Empathy is a deep understanding and an inner experience of the other’s reality. Empathy can be experienced when couples have the same shared experience.
Imago Relationship Theory (IRT) states that opposite adaptations to childhood wounding and socialization will attract each other in intimate relationships. (Hendrix, 2020) Those opposite adaptations will create tension.
Although empathy that pulls closer and tension that pushes away, look like opposite forces, together they are powerful forces which can create deep transformation in the relationship between couples.
In IRT, there are four meta-theories. One of them is the psychological meta-theory. Based on Erickson’s developmental theory, children go through specific developmental phases. They can be referred to as life pulses in IRT. Children develop through the attachment, exploration, identity, and competence phases. These phases are deeply rooted in life pulses that are in each human being, for example, the need to belong (attachment) or to be seen (identity). Each of these phases also need specific relational nurturing. For example, in the identity stage, the child needs attuned mirroring.
Some of this nurturing and development happens during childhood. Some of the nurturing and development does not happen during childhood. And that causes pain. Children learn from early childhood to adapt to survive the pain and lack of nurturing. These adaptations, in turn, freeze the development of the child. That means, for example, in the exploration phase that the child may not experience both freedom and belonging in relationships and cannot express the life pulse of exploration, curiosity, and amazement about the world.
Part of the Imago is that the unconscious agenda of love will attract people in relationship to complete these developmental gaps so that they can both express their full aliveness. Two crucial dynamics for that to happen is healing and growth. First, repairing the pain from childhood is healing, and second dissolving the adaptation(s) to the pain of childhood, is growth. For that to happen, IRT states that people that are wounded in the same developmental phase, but that have adapted in the opposite direction, will attract each other.
Sharing the longing for the same life pulse creates a basis for empathy – a force that creates a willingness for connection and to reach out to the other in a nurturing way. But at the same time, the opposite adaptations of couples will create tension – a force that drives apart, if you look at couples from outside the relational paradigm. But the tension of difference within the relational paradigm becomes a force for transformation.
Skillful Imago Therapists can, with the use of the Dialogue, help couples see the shared longing for the same life pulse from childhood. The empathy that this establishes will dissolve the adaptation in each other. At the same time the tension of difference creates the “push towards wholeness”, but also the resource of the how and the what to dissolve the adaptation/defensive mechanism.
Using the exploration phase, for example, the nurturing for the exploration pulse is a message of “I am available, and You are free to be free.” One of the results of that is a sense of space and closeness. It is OK to be on your own, and it is OK to be close.
Wounding in childhood is when the message from the parent is “don’t go,” or “I am not available.” That will lead to a sense that closeness is smothering, for the minimizing adaptation, and a sense of space is abandonment, for the maximizing adaptation or defensive mechanism.
People with these two adaptations will attract each other. In the unconscious relationship, the Isolator will create tension for the Pursuer and vice versa. The Isolator, for example, holds the unconscious need of the Pursuer to be free. But the need will, at the same time, create tension for the Pursuer of abandonment. The Pursuer experiences at the same time the fear of abandonment and the longing for freedom.
Through the Imago Dialogue, the Pursuer can develop empathy (Muro et al., 2015) for the shared longing of the exploration phase for the Isolator. The empathy will become the force to overcome their fear of abandonment to give the nurturing of freedom. That, in turn, will heal the fear of the closeness of the Isolator and dissolve their adaptation of isolation.
The tension of difference becomes a resource of information and energy for the unconscious, and empathy of shared experience becomes the power to enter and reclaim the unconscious wholeness consciously.
That is how the relationship itself becomes the therapy with the forces of tension and empathy.
Resources:
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2020). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. London: Simon & Schuster UK.
Muro, L.; Holliman, R.; Luquet, W. Imago Relationship Therapy and Accurate Empathy Development.
Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, [s. l.], v. 15, n. 3, p. 232–246, 2016. DOI 10.1080/15332691.2015.1024373
Schmidt CD, Gelhert NC. Couples Therapy and Empathy: An Evaluation of the Impact of Imago Relationship Therapy on Partner Empathy Levels. Family Journal. 2017;25(1):23-30. doi:10.1177/1066480716678621
