When someone gives an ultimatum in the relational context it is a demand that one person makes to another for that person to “do something” or “not do something.” An ultimatum has a consequence that is implied.
When we make demands of our partners, they almost always fail. It is an attempt to try and control someone else’s behavior. Demands are usually externally motivated because we are asking the person to do something or not to do something.
A common threat that I often hear in couples therapy is the threat of ending the relationship where there is infidelity. If we tell our partner, “if you cheat on me, the relationship is over,” we are using the threat of breaking up to control them. This is where I see a lot of people (women and men) get caught up in checking up on their partners, keeping tabs on what they are doing and with whom.
If this is you, you are attempting to externally control what the other person does. The threat of breaking up hangs over their head, and you hope that this ultimatum is serious enough to keep them from cheating.
In my experience it is not.
The problem with threats and ultimatums is when you attempt to control another person’s behavior with a threat, you are creating not one, but two unhealthy situations. The first problem is most people hate the feeling of being controlled. Sometimes, these people will act out just to prove they cannot be controlled.
Is it childish and immature? Absolutely, I see it often.
This kind of behavior robs people of their personal agency. Being able to make the choice for themselves is stolen from them, and most people will push back on someone robbing them of the choice.
The second problem is that the threat of ending the relationship is risky. In the beginning of the relationship when the relationship is good, it might work. But over time, especially if the relationship has had challenges (as most relationships do) that threat doesn’t have the same power it once did.
Cowardly people might cheat so that you will leave them first. In that way, they get to be the victim and you get to be the bad person for breaking up because you are jealous and controlling.
The other risk is that you might get so used to being with someone that even an unsatisfying relationship is better than being alone.
If that happens, the partner cheats, and you do absolutely nothing. You might get mad, argue, fight—but you stay right there. Your threats of breaking up are not taken seriously and treated like a joke. More importantly, you have now taught your partner that they can hurt you without any consequences.
This is how people wind up in toxic on again off again relationships. One person gets hurt, they break up, then sometime later, they get back together (without really addressing the underlying problem) rinse and repeat.
Next blog I’ll talk about how to break this exhausting cycle.
Radically grateful,
Dr. Paula
