Let me begin by saying that I use the term “Black” and African American” interchangeably because many African Americans refer to themselves in both ways.
Black marriage is in crisis.
The marital rates are declining faster for Black couples than for any other group. Why? As an experienced Black therapist specializing in Black relationships, I have studied this phenomenon at length. There are a lot of internal and external factors that weigh heavily on Black couples. Let me name a few: daily experiences of racial oppression, micro-aggressions within workspaces, negative racial stereotypes, financial inequality, and the historical myths that say Black people are inferior. Sexism has put a burden on Black male and female relationships. When African American couples experience and respond to racism and oppression, they tend to project their negative feelings onto each other because it is safer than expressing them publicly.
Research shows that married and committed African Americans are happier, wealthier and choose healthier behaviors than their uncommitted or unmarried peers. Their children also tend to fare better in life. These differences seem to stem from the marital and/or significant relationship itself.
I’ve been reading some of what the internet has been saying about what might have gone wrong between Jada Pinkett-Smith & Will Smith, one of Hollywood’s famous Black couples. From my brief foray into these speculations, one thing stands out as a very common underlying issue for many couples in my practice. It’s a central problem, a disagreement or dishonesty that usually happens early on in the relationship and is left to fester.
First, let me say that no one really knows what goes on in someone else’s intimate relationship. We know only what they tell us, which most of the time is biased and one-sided. We typically make assumptions about the relationship based on our external observations — what they look like, how they talk, the kind of car they drive, how much money they make, their social status, what they wear, what they post on social media that day. All of that is irrelevant.
There are times when the couple themselves cannot make sense of what is happening in their relationship or what causes it to go crashing on the rocks. That’s because we all have blind-spots. Partners often seem to have a lot of psychological insight into themselves and to be confident about diagnosing their partner, but the dynamics of their relationship are usually hidden in their blind-spots. It’s hard to see what causes a fire when you’re standing in the flames.
But as I said, it is my experience that some relationships travel the slow burn straight into the abyss because day after day they become drenched with negativity and negative cycles. These negative cycles typically start as soon as partners one disagrees with the other. The cycles are then propelled by defensive tactics such as blame, shame, criticism, name-calling, etc. Nasty things are said in anger and rage. The truth or a well-hidden secret might even come to light in a heated argument.
For Jada and Will I think the unraveling for them began with dishonesty early in their relationship. Jada did not want to get married.
She wrote: “I was under so much pressure, you know, being a young actress, being young, and I was just, like, pregnant and I just didn’t know what to do.”
It makes sense to me that Jada, not knowing what to do, relied on her mother’s advice, which was to go forward with the marriage (even though her mother knew she didn’t want to). Wow! This kind of self-betrayal—doing something we really don’t want to do will come back to haunt. So, it makes sense that, “Jada was crying as she walked down the aisle.”
I’m sure Jada’s mother wanted what she thought was best for her daughter and had the best intentions; I’m not blaming the mother. Most parents (Black and White) want their children to have what they didn’t have. Still, the decision should have been Jada’s. What is imperative to understand here is this: when we don’t have experience trusting ourselves to make the right decision and we put that trust into other people’s hands, we rob ourselves of our own personal agency/autonomy. Another way to say this — we violate our own internal boundary. We violate our own boundaries when we prioritize someone else and their desires or feelings over ourselves or our own. This often looks like saying yes when we want to say no. Playing the martyr or people pleasing at the expense of your own boundaries will, at best, keep you from having your needs fully met and, at worst, leave you feeling unseen and/or walked over. With time, this can breed resentment.
The other player in this cycle was Will. Will was also young and wanted to get married. He wanted to love Jada, provide for her — give her the world and protect her. Will was getting what he wanted, just not what he and Jada wanted — possibly at the expense of Jada. The marriage was built on a split from the beginning because Jada crossed her own boundary. This seemingly little lie, “I’ll marry you, but I really don’t want to” I think set up their marriage for eventual collapse.
Just to be clear here … I’m not blaming Jada or Will. I don’t ever take sides with couples. Both partners play a part of the cycle.
Jada and Will experienced great fame and fortune, which was could have been a factor preventing them from acknowledging the truth and getting them on the same page from the beginning. However, rooted in polarization, their marriage fell under the spotlight and became accessorized with lots of glitter and material glamour, but eventually the pain of the truth came knocking. Because one lie always leads to another and another and another. Eventually what is buried in relationships has a way of coming out. So the lesson here is it’s important to be honest in relationships — no matter what. Successful relationships are built on trust and integrity. Jada and Will’s situation less all the Hollywood glitterati, is not that uncommon.
I have noticed that with many of the African Americans in my practice, emotional honesty is especially challenging. African Americans dial back emotional engagement and hide their vulnerability. Many African Americans hold the view that vulnerability means you’re a weak person and we take this perspective into our romantic relationships. A Black couple told me recently, “Black people don’t talk about feelings.”
African American men and women are very sensitive to any perception of being taken advantage of. Even a tinge of disrespect can be intolerable and the fear of being emotionally vulnerable is palpable.
African Americans hold a still face even when they are angry or hurt and rarely fear. Constantly being on guard obliterates the desire to trust — anyone. Everybody’s motives are suspect, not just White people’s.
Often I see couples reach an impasse. They are willing to work on their relationship to a certain point because no one wants to be the first one to risk being vulnerable to the other without a guarantee that vulnerable disclosures will not become weapons in future arguments. Black couples are terrified of giving their partners the “upper hand.” What these couples don’t understand is that they have been trained to view every relational encounter as potentially threatening. It is not a quirk of personality. We’re conditioned by society.
We learn how to hide our genuine emotions so well that we believe it’s our natural state of being. We forget that this is learned behavior practiced over a lifetime.
However, in the process of unpacking cracks in the foundation of Black marriages and relationship i.e., long-held resentments, pain, disappointment, unhealed infidelity and anger—interactions and negative cycles that bring Black relationships to an impasse, we often discover past experiences of racial humiliation and devaluation. Most Black people have witnessed a boss, co-worker, teacher, colleague or classmate openly demean Black people without any consequence. Racism is not one dimensional. It is layered and for Black people, it is quite literally everywhere. It is not a mystery that many Black couples struggle in their intimate relationships.
The good news is that with the support of a culturally attuned therapist, African American couples can learn to keep their guards where they are necessary AND (I emphasize AND because keeping your guard up in your significant relationship could cost you your relationship) learn how to safely emotionally connect with their partner.
Sending love and light,
Dr. Paula
