“You’re strong,” sounds like a compliment until you realize some folks see Black men as an unbreakable force of nature, incapable of experiencing pain, sorrow, fear or disappointment.
For generations, White people have crafted myths to justify the exploitation of Black men. For example, when Black people describe their pain, doctors often doubt their experiences and thus refuse to treat their pain in the same way they do White patients. And while assuming Black people can endure more pain is racist, it’s also a dehumanizing ordeal.
And even on a social level, Black men are bombarded with an expectation of brute strength. The Brute Caricature portrays Black men as strong, overly sexual, and devoid of moral character. We see the “strong Black man” trope at work in the violence perpetrated against unarmed Black men George Floyd or boys like Trayvon Martin.
Unarmed Black people are 2x times as likely to be killed compared with White people in America. And while race is not the only factor to consider as to why these deaths occurred, we can’t ignore statistical reality, that many police officers assume Black men are armed and dangerous, even when they’re not.
In the U.S., Black men find themselves between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, embracing softness can feel implausible in a society where Black men are put on the defense. On the other hand, constantly feeling the need to be seen as vital can prevent Black men from getting touch with their softer vulnerable side. For instance, Lincoln Anthony Blades wrote in Essence that “hyper-masculine expectations, which many of our young boys find fixed upon their shoulders during their formative years, is what constitutes strength to us. And when not being soft or acting like a b**ch is prioritized over emotional openness, it can produce a problematic combination of emotional unavailability and misogynoir.”
Within the framework of healthy masculinity, Black men can express themselves freely, without fear of “feeling emasculated.” However, under the veil of toxic masculinity, some men feel pressure to display physical toughness, physical aggression, avoidance of emotional candor, aggression or violence.
While individuals who exhibit violent or harmful behaviors should be held to account, we can’t pretend like any of this happens in a vacuum. Black men are conditioned to reaffirm their strength, from a very young age, and sometimes lose sight of how they should use their strength, as well as coming to peace with their limitations. Chances are if you feel you can’t shed a tear in front of your friends, or feel you’re too much of a tough guy to mourn a loved one, or have empathy for men, women and the children in your life, you’re doing masculinity all wrong.
Forget the bro-code. Black men need more safe spaces to be soft, where they can let their hair down, feel the wind on the nape of their necks, where they don’t feel the social pressure to be tough as nails, where they can emotionally rest, and take a load off.
So, how do we undo the harm caused by toxic masculinity without emasculating men? We can reaffirm the positive behaviors Black men exhibit. For instance, Black men should feel empowered to protect themselves, their spouses, families, and the broader Black community, but they shouldn’t feel like they’re the ones left holding the hot potato. Meaning, when the weight is too heavy, Black men need safe spaces to put it all down, re-strategize, and get support. In safe spaces, Black men don’t have to prove their masculinity because no one is doubting, or undermining who they are.
After recently visiting my hometown – New Orleans, I saw a lot of Black men who seem fiercely strong, hardened and who rarely smiled. But, there’s so much more to Black men than anyone can imagine. There is the side of Black men many White people never get to see — the sophisticated emotional underbelly of Black men. Sure, Black men are strong, but to think of them as only strong shows you don’t know many Black men.
Forget the bro-code. Black men need more safe spaces to be experience their soft side, where they can let go of their armor, feel the wind on the back of their necks, where they don’t feel the social pressure to be tough as nails, where they can emotionally rest, and take a load off. After all, Black men are strong, and no one should assume otherwise, but society should remember, they aren’t brutes — they are human beings who deserve and need compassion.
Black men I see you!
You deserve love and compassion. If you want to talk more about these issues don’t hesitate to reach out 401-782-7899 or send a confidential email dr.paulamsmith@gmail.com.
Peace & blessings,
Dr. Paula
