I once heard a speaker say, “Getting rid of jealousy in a relationship is like trying to grab soap bubbles.” It isn’t real. The only way to end jealousy is to shift our mind–our consciousness so we can see the jealousy for what it really is–fear and control.
I looked up jealousy in the dictionary. It basically says, “We are fearful of losing affection or being replaced by another person.” It also says that, when we’re jealous, we are cautious about guarding something. Knowing the definition is helpful to understand the real issues under a powerful emotion like jealousy.
Jealousy and Fear
When I am feeling jealous, what I really feel is scared. There is no question about whether or not my fear is real because I feel it in my body. I have a queasy, sick feeling in my stomach, my head is tight and mind starts racing at the very thought of losing the affection of my partner.
But I can make that fear worse by expressing it through anger. In other words, when I feel jealous and pick a fight; say nasty, horrible things to my partner in the heat of the moment; and slam the door leaving the house–that will only make everything much worse.
But if I could say to my partner, “I’m scared of losing your love” or I’m scared you don’t love me anymore,” I’ll be able to get through the intense emotional situation a lot quicker. Some people will balk at this because they’re afraid of being vulnerable. Do you really believe picking a fight, lashing out and leaving the house makes you look strong?
Think again. That’s throwing a temper tantrum and acting like a child instead of a mature adult. It takes a lot of strength, humility and self-knowledge to be vulnerable.
That said, if I don’t confront my fear directly, and lash out in anger when I feel jealous, this will:
- Keep me from focusing on myself and what I am really scared about.
- Create a lot of shit to mop up after the storm has passed.
Jealously and Control
When we are jealous, we are trying to control the other person’s feelings. This is where many of us get into sticky dramas that end up destroying our relationships. The reason control never works is because, whether or not a person loves us is completely out of our control. Simply said, we cannot force anyone to love us. So any attempts to control another person will ultimately backfire. We will be a lot happier when we truly understand: Some things are in our control and some things are not. Another person is definitely one of the things we cannot control. We become jealous and miserable because we waste our energy trying to control the person rather than using that energy to explore and get honest about our own real feelings.
How to Let Go of Jealousy in 2 Simple (not so easy) Steps
The first step in liberating ourselves from jealousy is to find out what we are really afraid of. Are we afraid of being abandoned? Are we afraid of being alone? Are we afraid that we are not going to be okay on our own? Whatever it is, find out what the jealousy is really based on.
When I started learning how to let go of my own jealousy, I learned that there was grief buried under the jealousy. I had not totally recovered from the last time I was abandoned in a relationship and the hurt feelings of the old trauma drove my desperate attempt to control my relationship. Sometimes we’re too quick to jump into a new relationship before we’ve really dealt with the leftover pain, hurt and grief from our last relationship. Just because a relationship ended six months or a year ago doesn’t mean all of the fears, grief, pain and jealousy have been healed. Ask yourself, “What old hurts and fears are underneath my feelings of jealousy?”
The second step is to resonate with the fear. This is hard. But talking about it won’t do us any good unless we can let ourselves fully feel the fear we are experiencing on the inside. This is where the resonance helps. The best way to get rid of something is to not to try to get rid of it. What we resist persists. Instead, let it be, resonate with it and feel it completely. After that, talking about it can be helpful because your words will be coming from a deep emotional contact with your fear. The problem with talking or venting is that words can be used to avoid feeling the actual fear. So take the time to resonate with the issue first, feeling it in the body and then talk with your special person. A friend, coach, therapist. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear.
Healthy Relationships and Jealousy
In a healthy, conscious relationship, jealousy is not recycled over and over because partners talk about it on a deep level, using the steps I just laid out. They calmly discuss their fears, their old grief and ask for what they need and want from the other person. Remember, under all the anger and control of jealousy in the relationship are real feelings of fear and grief. The intense emotion of jealousy will dissolve naturally. If it does return, repeat steps 1 and 2.
Peace and love,
Paula
