One of the key issues that I am acutely aware of is that both partners want and need to feel heard before they can open their minds to each other’s point of view. Even the slightest hint of feeling blamed or dismissed can trigger a backlash so deep where both partners will shut down because they are no longer feeling safe with each other. Safety is key. Let’s help others feel safe with us in relationship. I believe the blame-the-racists, sexist, etc., narrative only creates another version of a very, very old story of the false dichotomy between good (us) and evil (them) or right and wrong. This narrative masks a lot of issues and impasses that I observe in marital relationships, and ironically, it also masks many of the social and political ills in our country. Polarization and blaming engages the same kind of dehumanization and violence that live at the core of the social ills in society, as well as many marital conflicts, opening the door to ever deeper conflicts, even war. The election and post-election frenzies brought the dark underbelly of our society and who we are to light. Still, I believe there is hope. Conflict is a launching pad for growth. Something larger is growing and we are stirred up and disturbed about it. We don’t change when we are comfortable.
Our movement toward deeper integrity and transparency in marriage, committed relationships and within ourselves is also happening on a systemic level. Our hidden inconsistencies, hostility toward differences, dishonesty, facades, and self-deception have shown themselves and forced us into a close-examination of what it means to be in relationships with those who are different and those who have different points of views. So the solution is to annihiliate those who differ or disagree with us?
Maturity and relational transformation are knocking at the door of our hearts and minds. When hidden contradictions come to consciousness and shatter us wide open like it has since the election, the result is first denial and rage, followed by cognitive dissonance and the emotional collapsing of what we thought was true. But illuminating these paradoxes and contradictions brings the possibility of real deep healing for us. I know this is not easy! We are fiercely challenged by the universe to wake up! And deal with layers of emotional wounding of present times and all that was passed down to us through the generations. We are being asked to hold the tension of the opposites; to discern whether the pain, angst, and fear we feel is fundamentally the same pain that also stirs hate, prejudice, misogyny, racism, sexism, the “alt-right” and homophobia. I think on some level, perhaps unconsciously, we believe we are better than those we oppose, and I believe this is true in all relationships.
We are ALL suffering from various mutations of the same wounding; feeling left-out, unappreciated, criticized, blamed, alienated, lonely and disconnected. We live in a civilization that has robbed nearly all of us of deep community, connection with nature, unconditional love, freedom to explore the empire of childhood, and so very much more. I think it’s misleading and short-sighted to divide human beings into “us versus them” because we are all in this together.
Disconnection hurts. Can you feel it? Disconnectedness shines a spotlight on our existential cries for help. Cries that are being manifested in all kinds of bizarre and bewildering behaviors. We cannot ignore the collective rumbles of darkness that has shaken us to our core. What do we do now? We can become the healing balm for the disconnection … for the pain. We can embrace the cries in whatever form it takes. Healing comes after we’ve tasted the salt of our own tears.
We can rally around our relationships, take loving care of each other, listen empathically and create sustainable connections with everyone, especially those with whom we don’t see eye to eye. To show our gratitude this Thanksgiving, we can find tools for self examination, accountability, consciousness, and embrace reality in such a way that ensures no human being feels left behind. Martin Buber says, “Our relationship lives in the space between us, and that space is sacred. Not only does our relationship live in the space between us, the space between us is the playground for our children.” It’s time to cleanse the relational spaces and heal the toxic distortions and perceptions of one another, so we can clearly see each other and the great resources hidden within our relationships. WE ARE MAGNIFICENT BEINGS! We have all contributed to what is happening in our country and it takes ALL OF US to change it.
- We can start by thinking realistically about how we communicate to each other.
- The next time you say something, check your words to see if they smuggle in some form of hate, cynicism, sarcasm, dehumanization, belittling, blaming … some invitation to signify you are better than them.
- Then notice how it feels kind of good to do that, it’s kind of like getting a quick fix of feeling of better than.
- Then notice what is hurting underneath, and how that doesn’t feel good, not really.
- Then talk about what hurts you.
- Give yourself permission to liberate your feelings by being honest with self and other.
- Use feeling words, sad, mad, hurt, confused, angry, fearful, disconnected, unappreciated … etc.
- Celebrate and appreciate each other …
We can heal together. Let’s build bridges instead of putting up walls.
Love in Connection
Paula M. Smith, M.Div., MFT
Certified IMAGO Therapist & Process Leader
401-782-7899
imagopaula@gmail.com