Tom (his pseudonym) walked into my office, sat down, put his head into his hands and cried out, “I am a liar. I have lied my entire life.”
For much of Tom’s life, his lies had to do with his inability to navigate his inner life and therefore he was in a battle with himself. He tried to override this inner battle by painting a picture of himself as a strong, mature, fearless, “good–man.” He saw himself as having no insecurities, disappointment or fears. No, he forged ahead in the face of adversity, never doubting his ability and determination. However, as much as this was what Tom wanted everyone to believe, deep down he was scared, insecure and questioned his decisions.
And so he lied.
Tom maintained this persona with his wife as well. She claimed she knew him better than anyone. Still there were parts of him that he persistently kept from her. He believed that if she knew the real Tom she would not respect or love him.
And so he lied.
Tom had been feeling dissatisfied in his marriage and he didn’t want to admit it to anyone — not even to himself. The problem was not his marriage — he was the problem and he knew it!
And so he decided to have an affair.
During that moment he wasn’t thinking about the consequences or about the people this “seemingly” innocent act would hurt — especially his wife. He was desperate for relief from himself. Tom had smothered himself with himself. He was drowning in self-centeredness, self-loathing, consumed with his job, money, and his body.
There were times when he had moments of clarity and wanted to get out of the affair. But how could he get out and still keep his image intact? How could he tell the truth and still be respected and loved?
The Truth About Deception and Lying
The truth about deception and lying is there is an expiration date — hopefully. If you’ve been following American political life over these 6–8 years, you’ve had a front row seat to the politicization of lies and deception. This appears to have led to a cultural and social acceptance of dishonesty.
Tom’s lies and self-deception caused him so much pressure — he had a mental breakdown. In the U.S. lies and deception have been normalized and even rewarded. In light of the normalization of lies, it is important for me to highlight the significant impact they have on the brain, both in terms of cognitive function and neurophysiology. For example:
Cognitive dissonance: Lying often creates internal conflict between actions and beliefs, leading to psychological discomfort and potential rationalization behaviors.
Increased cognitive load: Lying requires more mental effort than telling the truth. The brain must work harder to fabricate information, suppress the truth, and maintain consistency with previous lies.
Impaired memory function: Constantly maintaining false narratives can interfere with accurate memory recall, as the brain struggles to distinguish between truth and fabrication.
Stress response activation: Deception triggers the body’s stress response, releasing cortisol and other stress hormones. This can lead to physical symptoms like increased heart rate and sweating.
Not to mention the ongoing dread of being outed, which can lead to paranoia and defensive behaviors.
Liars often say, “I lied to protect so and so … ,” but lying is just an attempt to shape reality in a way that suits the liar. Liars lie to create unclarity or uncertainty, which makes people feel as though they don’t know what’s true and what isn’t. If someone cheats, gets caught, and then lies over and over, contradicting themselves, the partner starts to feel they’ll never know what’s true or what’s a lie.
When a person is engulfed in an avalanche of lies, they begin suffocating in suspicion. And once the stench of suspicion takes hold, folks interpret even ambiguous situations in ways that confirm their suspicions, hence reinforcing a relentless cycle of mistrust. That’s because it is virtually impossible to disprove a lie.
Tom didn’t believe it was possible for him to be honest. This is not uncommon because when someone constructs their life on lies and deception, they too have difficulty separating lies from truth. Deep within Tom, he wanted to tell the truth because he was tired of pretending. As horrible as it was for him to get “caught” cheating — the lies, guilt and shame were eating him alive. He was also terrified that his wife wouldn’t love him if she knew the whole truth — the real him.
When I began coaching Tom I told him that the only way he could give his wife a real opportunity to love him unconditionally was to tell the truth. Tell the truth about everything and then let her choose. It was as simple as that. As scary as that was for him to consider, it was also freeing for him to hear. He no longer had to try to control the outcome. All he had to do was just tell the truth and allow her to choose.
And so he did.
What was interesting was that his wife actually respected him for his honesty. She grew to trust him again — maybe even more. It is important to know that Tom didn’t do this perfectly, or that it was without challenges. That’s not the point I’m trying to make here. His wife was an amazing and generous person. She chose to love him and work with him to restore trust in their relationship, which helped Tom begin to grow into someone he could love unconditionally. The end result was healing for both of them.
As a devoted couple’s therapist and relationship coach, I believe that exploring the “why” of lies helps to give individuals greater insight into themselves and their motivation. Unraveling the complex motivations behind post-affair deception helps foster self-awareness and potentially aids in the healing process for both individuals and the relationship. This framework aligns with my approach that addresses the root causes of issues rather than just looking at surface behaviors. When you focus solely on surface behaviors in therapy or coaching, particularly in cases of infidelity and deception, several issues can arise:
1. You miss opportunities for deeper healing: By fixating on the outward actions (playing detective, going through their phone), you may overlook the underlying emotional issues, past traumas, or relationship dynamics that contributed to the infidelity and subsequent lies.
2. You create cycles of blame and defensiveness: Without understanding deeper motivations, partners become stuck in a pattern of accusation and defensiveness, perpetrator and victim, hindering genuine communication and empathy.
3. Your relationship is built on sand — temporary fixes: Addressing only visible behaviors often leads to short-term changes that don’t resolve the core issues, potentially setting the stage for future problems.
4. You rob yourself of increasing your self-awareness — Clients miss the chance to gain insight into their own patterns, needs, and vulnerabilities that may have played a role in the situation.
Unless we are conscious of what we are doing, we are destined to do what comes naturally, to revert to our default, knee-jerk patterns of behavior. In Tom’s situation, he knew that his wife would not tolerate any more lies. More importantly, he didn’t want to lie anymore. But he needed help. There are several factors I believe helped Tom and his wife during this process:
Clear Boundaries: Tom’s wife said she would NOT tolerate any more lying. If he wanted to be in relationship with her, he needed to tell the truth.
Patience: Tom had a learning curve on this, and his wife was gracious with him. Healing required honesty and Tom and his wife both understood that he was going up against years of behavior and social conditioning that he needed to change. His wife said that she wanted to see progress — not perfection.
Risk and Honesty: When Tom was honest about the things that could hurt her (things he did), his wife did not react in ways that made him regret being honest. This was a risk for both of them. It’s always risky to speak the truth and it’s also a risk to hear the truth. Risk always involve vulnerability. Of course Tom’s wife was upset and hurt. But she did not see herself as a victim. She showed appreciation for Tom’s honesty even as she expressed her upset and pain (I coached them to do this).
I will also add that from the outset I told Tom and his wife that we would be working from a different paradigm, one that emphasizes healing the pain of infidelity rather than the traditional victim-perpetrator paradigm. The traditional victim-perpetrator paradigm is not a good framework for healing the pain that comes from infidelity because it assigns guilt and innocence. We were working through — pain.
The Hidden Cost of Untreated Betrayal
It’s not easy dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, but it can be an opportunity for profound personal growth and relational renewal. However, when infidelity goes untreated, it can have extensive and damaging consequences for both individuals and for their relationship. The betrayed partner may experience ongoing emotional trauma, including anxiety, depression, and trust issues that can persist long after the initial discovery. These unresolved feelings can seep into other aspects of life, affecting work performance, friendships, and even future relationships. The partner who engaged in infidelity might grapple with guilt, shame, or unaddressed personal issues that led to the betrayal in the first place. Without proper intervention, couples may fall into destructive patterns of communication, characterized by vicious arguing, blame, resentment, and emotional distancing. This emotional chasm can widen over time, leading to a deterioration of intimacy and connection.
In some cases, untreated infidelity can result in the complete breakdown of the relationship, with lasting negative impacts on any children involved. Even if partners stay together, the unresolved issues can create a superficial facade of normalcy while deep-seated problems continue to erode the foundation of trust and mutual respect essential for a healthy partnership.
Whether you choose to rebuild your relationship or move forward separately, prioritizing your emotional well-being is crucial.
Remember, healing from infidelity is a process, not an event. It requires effort from both partners and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. By taking steps, you open the door to not just recovery, but potentially a stronger, more honest relationship than before. Don’t let fear or shame prevent you from seeking the help and healing you deserve. Take action today to reclaim your emotional well-being and the future of your relationship.
For a consultation call 401-782-7899 or email dr.paulamsmith@gmail.com.
With radical gratitude,
Dr. Paula
