There is no getting around this fact—there will be times when we will feel very skeptical, cynical or bleak about our marriage. We will also wonder why we got married. We will feel as though we made a disastrous mistake in tying our life to this person. Those moments won’t necessarily last, but they are bound to come up – and when they do we need to be a lot, not a little, prepared. So here are some bits of kind consolation for the periods of agony and distress.
1. Everyone, when we really know (or think we know them), turns out to be unbearable in some significant ways.
There is no-one you could be married to that would not – at times – leave you feeling desperate. You too are complex and can be unbearable and it’s important for you to remember that.
2. Your sorrow and disappointment are very normal. Many people are suffering in similar ways, and have done so in the past, and will do so again in the future. It’s miserable, but you are participating in the common experience of humanity. Maybe they don’t talk about it much – but millions would sympathize deeply with what you’re going through. You feel completely alone; yet you are in a vast (silent) majority. For example: a thoughtful, well-read surgeon screamed at his partner through the bathroom door late last night and woke up the children. Right now, a level headed, nicely dressed IT consultant lives in dread of her partner finding out she’s been having an affair online. A high government official lashed out in rage because his partner forgot to lock the front door before they left for their evening walk.
3. Your worst thoughts are only thoughts. The feeling that you wouldn’t mind if your partner were to die soon, painlessly leaving you to start again, doesn’t make you a monster: it’s a very common thought that passes through the minds of sane and reasonable people. It doesn’t mean you wish your partner any harm. Ask yourself, what is really happening?
4. No-one really understands anyone else. The fact that your spouse doesn’t get you in significant ways is entirely unavoidable.
5. It’s not strange if you would like to have an affair. It’s so reasonable and natural to want to when you’re not happy. It would be wonderful to be wanted, to be held and loved and properly appreciated in bed. But an affair wouldn’t solve the underlying issues, just bury the ones you aren’t dealing with.
6. Your heightened or heightening feeling of despair will probably pass. Your anguish is very real at this moment and won’t go away with a magic wand, a new prescription or a new job.
You might agree all of this is good info to consider and maybe to send to your spouse. But thinking about it is one thing. Joining each other to move beyond the crisis is a whole other matter that requires a different mindset with a new set of relational principles. Are you ready to challenge the underlying forces that created the crisis to begin with? If your marriage is going to change it will change because you both stepped up to change it. Let’s talk. imagopaula@gmail.com
Blessings on your relational journey, Paula
