Trauma is an emotional response following any distressing event like abuse, violence or a natural disaster. Sufferers develop emotional issues like PTSD, anxiety, depression, guilt, sadness and anger. There has been a lot of research on developing healthy ways to cope with trauma. Imago Therapy heals trauma, depression, anxiety, PTSD & many psychological problems by creating a precious experience with the significant other as well as the therapist.
An person’s reaction to emotional trauma is complex and difficult to predict. Their past exposure, social support, culture, family psychiatric history and general emotional functioning are factors related to a person’s response to trauma. In addition, the emotional and physical proximity to the actual danger, degree of perceived personal control, the length of exposure, the reaction of others to the trauma, and the source of the trauma (e.g., natural disaster, abuse from parent, abuse from stranger, random personal violence, combat, terrorist act) also impact a person’s reaction to trauma.
Some people demonstrate resiliency, responding to trauma in a flexible and creative manner. On the other hand, trauma becomes a negative, central defining moment in the lives of others, marking the start of entrenched emotional distress, maladaptive behavior, and/or relational dysfunction. After being exposed to a traumatic event, most individuals experience involuntary intrusive memories. For many, the repetitive replaying of the painful memories actually functions to modify the emotional response to the trauma resulting in a gradual increase in tolerance for traumatic content.
The Neurobiology of Trauma
Exposure to trauma has a direct affect on our sympathetic nervous systems SNS-the part of our bodies designed to protect us from a perceived threat by activating our fight or flight response. The SNS is wired for survival. The autonomic stress response is triggered similarly by both physical and emotional pain. Individuals who continually perceive danger in their environment will elicit a constant autonomic response of alertness, which range from a state of vigilance to terror.
The Brain and Trauma
The specific impact of stress and emotional trauma on the brain is complex. So when we get triggered although there may not be a saber-toothed tiger or life-threatening situation lurking, we think there is. We react to that fear or threat as if our lives are in danger. Our perceptions are usually worst case scenarios that our brain makes up in an effort to make sense of what is happening in our bodies.
These stories play out so fast in our minds, it’s like an accelerator of a car stuck to the floor, and the traumatic event that we have experienced in the past feels like it’s happening all over again—in that exact moment.
Our stories in-and-of-themselves are self-triggering. When we don’t challenge those stories sometimes we react to the distress by lashing out with f-bombs, talking down and being disrespectful. If we are married or in a committed relationship, these behaviors are very likely to trigger our spouse/partner. Similarly, our spouse/partner is very likely respond in a way that trigger us. This trigger-upon-trigger situation is extremely common in marriages and committed relationships. The term for this is co-triggering.
The Brain, Triggering & Disconnection
When we get feel triggered we are certain our partner is doing it intentionally; they are pushing our “buttons” on purpose. The tendency to get triggered and co-trigger comes from our deep wiring for survival. Below our conscious mind are what’s called neural circuits. Neural circuits are like little private investigators that are constantly detecting what our partner is doing (or not doing) through their nonverbal cues like facial expressions, voice tones, eye-movements, gestures, body language etc.
We may or may not be consciously aware of these cues, but our mirror neuron system (the little private investigator) is always watching … scanning the environment … and transmits this information about what your partner is doing directly into your own body. So, if your partner is triggered, you will soon feel triggered—and vice versa. Underneath our triggers are wounds and unmet needs. When wounds are triggered, we experience disconnection.
Shifting from Reactivity to Connection
As an Imago therapist, I am aware that most wounds that clients bring to therapy are a break … or a rupture in connection. When partners are co- triggering each other, this rupture is evident by the verbal jabbing–the name-calling, criticism, defensiveness, shaming and belittling. Clients react to the disconnection by freezing, withdrawing, shutting down, complying, trying to make nice, denial etc. Others react by getting angry, hostile, lashing out pursing, verbal assaults, screaming and yelling. Although their play out differently, both of these reactions are disconnecting because neither allows real intimacy to emerge.
Connection requires both safety and risk. The more I can stay in connection with the couple, “mirroring” them back to themselves and revealing who they are underneath their reactions and defenses, the more they can allow their authentic selves to be in the room.
I have to be very aware of my own style of breaking connection when I get scared. I tend to be the one who gets angry, hostile and lashes out. So I am especially mindful when clients become angry, making sure I don’t automatically disconnect from them. Particularly in the beginning of therapy, my role is to create a space that fosters authenticity and safety, because most clients cannot do that on their own. By the time a lot of couples get to therapy, they are deeply entrenched in their opposing roles of emoter or stoic-that they can’t heal. And as such, they’ve been surviving in these cycles of re-wounding each other.
In therapy, I see myself as a “facilitator of connection.” Facilitating connection is more than a strategy or technique. This seems to be what helps couples find their own resolution to their problems. Even if partners decide to separate, when they do it from a place of connection, they can disengage with kindness and respect. My own feeling of connection with clients is the first step to my becoming a facilitator of their sense of connection to each other. I have to make sure I am balanced, being connected to both of them without invalidating either one’s position; and just by doing that, I demonstrate that they can each feel the way they do without wiping the other one out.
I do this by verbally reflecting back to each one what I am hearing. Instead of word-for-word what I hear-which is usually a statement that BLAMES the other—I mirror back their experience to them. Couples soon begin to put aside their verbal jabs and sarcastic sniping. Sometimes it isn’t the most loving of exchanges, but both of them feel relieved to be able to be honest with each other. Connection doesn’t only mean you say wonderful, sweet things. Connection means being authentically who you are without annihilating the other.
Of course, couples who have long, bitter histories of disconnection don’t change with one exercise. After a minute or so in a tender moment, I had a couple who broke connection when one partner sniped at his wife and she started to cry and shut down. When couples are struggling, they often feel terribly alone. As a facilitator of connection, I can help them to be together in the experience-even if it’s a lousy experience. I said to one couple struggling with an affair, “Maybe you can use therapy to witness for each other what you are going through.”
When couples work on very intense material, it can be overwhelming, so every once in a while I focus on their emotional connection instead of their presenting issues. I do this by helping them practice the mirroring technique when they talk about a safe, non-conflictual topic. They are able to listen and speak to each other without getting reactive. I have them describe how it is to look at each other and what they see in each other’s faces. “Notice who this person is,” I suggest.” With this exercise, they get to the point where they can have an amiable conversation and at certain points they may even laugh. These sessions help them remember what it was like to enjoy each other’s company, and I build on their connection by giving them homework assignments to do something enjoyable together each week, like appreciating each other or doing something fun.
The biggest roadblock for some couples continues to be how they manage their emotional reactivity which causes co-triggering. The sweet, connected moments can be hard to tolerate, particularly when the couple is more used to dealing with discomfort and pain. They almost immediately default back into their old patterns. One person starts pushing the other to talk more, which makes them angry and then the other person shuts down. Soon they are polarized in their roles.
Being an emotional facilitator of connection for couples requires a keen understanding of the fragility of our awareness of connection. We are always in connection, but it’s hard to maintain that awareness. I have to know how to be present with myself so I can be present with my clients. I have to overcome my own fears of intimacy in order to be open to intimacy with my clients.
Having a strong and deepening theoretical foundation helps me feel grounded and relaxed so I can be present with clients. I once read that when researchers compared different therapy modalities to see which ones were most successful, they found that the particular technique and model didn’t matter as much as the qualities of the therapist: the ability to be respectful, to listen well, to empathize. All of which are ways of creating connection. It all boils down to artfully, compassionately and gently being our authentic selves with each other.
In conclusion
In Imago relationship therapy, rather than talking about strategies for traumatized persons to communicate or manage their relationships, the significant other is invited to attend the therapy to assist the traumatized / anxious / depressed person’s healing and recovery process. In Imago, real SOLUTIONS and improvements become obvious and you’ll hear your partner suggest the changes that you need from them and vice-versa.
The skills learned in Imago relationship therapy create the safety necessary for both partners to have a voice! To have needs heard. Couples learn great conflict management skills and methods, thus creating relationships and home environments that heal. What an amazing gift to give to children, grandchildren and the world. With Imago therapy, couples seem to notice that they co-trigger each other less and less. Imago gives them the confidence they need to continue experimenting and learning together.
To learn more about Imago call Paula Smith, Certified Imago Therapist at 401-782-7899 or email me at: imagopaula@gmail.com.
