Many of us struggle with Validation and/or Validating others because we have a “Fear of Difference.”
The fear comes from:
- The belief that there is a RIGHT way of seeing, describing, understanding, and valuing everything – i.e what is going on.
- The limited capacity to be aware that others are different, or to respect, appreciate, or comprehend their subjectivity. The tendency to be uncomfortably startled at the appearance of disagreement.
- A tendency to denigrate, derogate, put down, distance, shame, punish, argue with, etc. another person when they, by word or act, show disagreement with your way of seeing what-is-going-on.
Validation as a Spiritual Practice
A spiritual dimension of this is the idea that a “Higher Power lives within us and knows that what we do is valid to us.” Our Higher Power knows we are doing our best. But we humans often forget this Divinely inspired lesson. And so it is helpful that humans remind us, by taking this Godly-position and validating us. And thus validation often becomes a celebration of each person’s spiritual worth – of the sense we already make.
Then Imago Relationship Therapy often becomes quite a spiritual event, where the therapist sees the divinity in each partner. We do not taking sides, there is no sense in that, because in dialogical space, both make sense all the time. At the spiritual level couple’s therapy becomes “Namaste.”
Acquiring the Skill of Validation
Validation is a mind set, an internal stance of listener. It is the position that before someone opens their mouth they are valid. As you speak, you share your validity with me. Until you speak your validity may be hidden from me. Hidden or not, your validity is nevertheless always there. Your validity is not conditional. Whatever you are going to say is valid for you.
Therefore the idea of seeing that others “making sense” is to shift from an external point of view to an internal point of view. All people make sense all the time —- to themselves. Internal logic is there whether shared or not. It may be hidden. To understand their logic, we cannot assume, we must be curious about them.
*Adapted from stories and personal conversations from Imago therapists and Dr. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
Contact Paula for Imago Therapy: www.paulasmith-imago.com
