The formula for a successful amends is to listen to our partner’s grievances with an open and courageous heart. It is not time to argue if their “reality” is correct or if their feelings are justified. It is a time to be humble, to deeply listen and of caring responses. It is also a time to simply ask, “What can I do right now in this moment to heal your pain?” Then we also have to be willing to commit to changing our behavior(s) that caused the injury. (This goes way beyond forgiveness. This goes into the realm of how do I behave and interact with you in current and future situations).
With repeated injuries it will take time for our partner to trust that we are willing to do the hard work of changing past hurtful behaviors. Again, it is essential to understand and validate that what our partner may experience as hurtful behavior may not be something we think is hurtful.
Justification and defense will only set in motion a power struggle and give way to new injuries. This is where we must shift into a new stance of open-hearted listening and not argue the point. We only have to honor our partner’s experience and find out how we can soothe the hurt and rebuild trust and safety. The process of making amends to our partner takes great care. When we share old hurts and ask for amends we are like fragile children asking to know that we are loved and cherished. This is a time when it is easy to inadvertently do more harm than good if we cannot hold each other with profound respect and gentleness.
Contact Paula for Imago Relationship Therapy: www.paulasmith-imago.com
