I believe most of us want to “feel understood.” To make this happen, it is not enough to understand and say so. My parents often said, “We understand you!” at times when I was sure they didn’t have the vaguest idea what was going on in me. To make a person feel understood, we must do something the Imago community calls Validation.
Validation is anything you do that makes a person feel understood. To Validate is to act or speak out loud, to bear witness, showing that you have the sense of another person.
All people are congruent with who they are. Their acts, words, deeds are a result of the parts of who they are, whether they know about these parts or not.
In my training as an Imago therapist, I was taught to say and mean it, “You make sense …” I’ve taught other people to say, “You make sense,” not because I would do that, or because I identify with that, but because at any give moment, human beings are operating, living, actualizing themselves within various models of Self. 1) Their Whole Self with which we are always congruent. 2) The “Self” based on what they know about themselves, which is not the Whole Self; 3) The Self that they think other people want them to be, or who they think they should be, 4) The Self, which is based on memories of experiences between them and others.
It’s a lot! Right?
Therefore at any give moment, they are operating, living, actualizing themselves with all this in mind. So, when we bear witness to what they know and how they perceive themselves, they will feel understood. But, if we challenge them in their perceptions, sensitivities, and experiences of who they are, invalidating them with our likes and dislikes about who they are, they will become anxious and panicky.
Learning this led me to start practicing the belief that people make sense all the time. And it is a practice. Other’s sensitivities, experiences and “Self” aren’t necessarily congruent with mine or yours. But their sense is ALWAYS legitimate and they makes sense.
The way to begin is by incorporating Validation. Validation is not a skill that many of us are taught. As a matter of fact, we are experts at Invalidating. But the stance is learning how to be curious and having curiosity about someone’s sense and not cause we think we KNOW ‘EM. To Validate is to almost Un-Know ‘Em and become curious about “EM.”
When a person is telling you about themselves and you are listening, don’t interrupt them or try finding where you identify with them; just listen. If you listen long enough you will start to get a sense of “Oh, wow!” as you hear the components of their sense coming together.
If you can’t quite see or hear their sense, remove the judgment and your agenda and say, “I’m trying to understand you, but I am missing ___________ about that.”
You can also invite them to speak more fully and completely about something. Make sure to remember to invite a person to share their emotions/feelings as well as their thoughts. And gift them with bearing witness by Validating them and their reality.
