If you are in a love relationship, prepare for the hard truth: at some point the honeymoon … those “in love” feelings will fade away. This because “Romantic” love usually does not last forever. But creating a conscious relationship can. Love relationships are not indestructible. I know because I’ve killed many. We cannot kill a relationship with verbal assaults, negativity, unresponsiveness, contempt, anger, building walls and expect it to succeed … or expect to feel those in love feelings.
A relationship is not a cockroach; it cannot survive on toxicity–anger, contempt, bullying, blame. You get the gist.
Relationships can last forever if we are attentive and treat them with tenderness and care. If we crush our relationships and our partner we will find that we are pushing that person away and s/he will eventually disappear, because he or she just cannot take the abuse. No one can!!
Treating our relationship with respect and our partner with compassion and admiration will help it grow and make us both feel secure in this sometimes insecure and unpredictable world we live in.
Similarly, if we disrespect our partner and are unable to be attentive and compassionate then the kindest thing we can do is to maybe leave. Of course, I recommend trying counseling first, but if we cannot keep ourselves from projecting rage, meanness, jealousy, and resentments at life, onto our partner then we … and/or something needs to change.
Relationships where partners respect each other gives us a great deal of personal power. Having someone in our corner can give us the strength to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, write the Great Memoir, or just simply enjoy our time here on earth.
I think one of the great things about love is that we will generally get more than we give, if we give freely give without expecting something back. Knowing that our love is a constant in the relational universe offers us the strength to deal with life’s unmanageability and upsets.
And it is really that simple. It becomes difficult to see this simplicity when our love and relationships are usurped by the energy and force we use hurling toxic and negativity at each other. The problem is we forget the true meaning of having a partner and get too wrapped up in self-absorption, self-centeredness, fears and emotional wounding. Unfortunately, when this happens, we shrink emotionally and have very little to give to others.
I think it is wise to remember that finding a loving partner is not easy, so when we have a good relationship to care and nurture it. To be alone in the world is not easy either, therefore we can make the choice to work on our relationship so that it can give back to us what we need. Our partner and families will also benefit from the positive and loving emotional energy.
I have seen a lot of couples break-up because they felt that the relationship was too much work. If we cannot dedicate 10 percent of our time to helping our relationships stay on a positive track, yet we can spend that amount of time arguing and being mean to each other, then we do not have what we need to be in a good, thriving relationship. Couples in good relationships tell me that it works because “they make it work. It takes a little time, a lot of understanding, learning new skills such as patience and a willingness to make their lives and love the best it can be.” These couples practice consistent deliberate actions such as:
Appreciation. Communicating to your partner the little things that you appreciate; It can be something as simple as “I appreciate that you work so hard for us,” “I appreciate the lovely meals that you prepare,” “I appreciate your smile”, “I appreciate your sense of humor.”
Having Fun Together. Schedule activities regularly and make them a priority.
Alone Time. Without the distraction of technology; phones, computers, tv. Without the children.
Do this weekly and make the time to check in with each other.
As we do these things we are giving ourselves the experience of connection. When we are connected even our frustrations can be aired and we can still stay connected. Learn more about how to effectively communicate and work through power struggles.
Blessings on your relational journey~
