We are all born with the core energy of joyful aliveness with all our brain circuits in place to execute functions such as seeing, listening, talking and movement.
There are 4 developmental phases where the brain is optimally prepared to take on certain tasks. There is an optimal window period to achieve these tasks. As we are growing up, we need our caretakers to tune into us and to provide the appropriate environment for us to develop–but our caretakers are human and can’t do it perfectly. So some of the needs of childhood are not met well.
Thus, we don’t have the reliable, safe consistent environment we needed to accomplish the tasks of: ATTACHMENT, EXPLORATION, IDENTITY OR COMPETENCE.
In Imago, we call this UNMET NEEDS – the environment we needed to help us navigate through the developmental stages that ALL children need to go through … was not present. For example, my mother was depressed, anxious, and afraid, (she was also 16 years old whenI was born). It wasn’t easy for her to bond with me, she was a teenage. It wasn’t always clear when she left if she was coming back or how she felt about me. When she was around she was depressed and absent. So I didn’t learn that a relationship was all about safety, reliability and balance, bonding, feeling validated. So some of the aliveness inside me went out.
The way that we are treated during this Psychological journey shapes how we are in our adult relationships as well as whom we are unconsciously attracted to.
We are also born with 4 beautiful ways to connect to others, “our feelings,” “our thinking,” “our acting” and “our sensing.” Many caretakers have firm ideas about how their little girls or little boys need to be in the world, and that shapes and molds their children into these firm ideas. The result is SOME ASPECTS, of these functions–the ones they approve of! — are encouraged and supported, and SOME ASPECTS — the ones they DON’T approve of! — are discounted, discouraged, and not supported.
In my family, I wasn’t allowed to express my feelings or thoughts; to speak up about things that hurt or bothered me especially if it was in opposition to what my parents thought or believed. I had to suppress my thoughts and feelings; so aspects of my entire feeling, sensing and thinking life was underdeveloped. And so that aliveness was dimmed a little bit more.
In our families we learn what behaviors will work to protect us from the many ways our needs are not met and the many ways we are not fully seen and validated. So to adapt to the environment we protect ourselves unconsciously in one of two ways. In Imago relationship therapy we have a metaphor for these two ways of self protection called Turtle and Alligator.
The Turtle
Turtles shut off from all feelings; They know that to expect warmth and connection will only set themselves up for hurt.Typically the Turtle’s caretakers were cold, intrusive, possibly depressed, addicts or have social problems which prevented them caring for their child.
As adults Turtles unconsciously believe that contact is painful (they detach from it). This is the person who makes his/her partner feel as if they are up against a brick wall; they appear cold, distant … not present. Their biggest fear is of being hurt.
The need of the Turtle is to know that their partner is there for them. To be able to trust that they will be loved for who they are; to know that they have a right to be.
To evolve into healthy mature love, the stretch (growth) of the Turtle is to show their vulnerability to their partner, to voice their fear (not shut-down, or withdraw) but be present and specifically ask for what they want and need.
The Alligator
We will do anything to get attention, even if it is negative. Typically the Alligator’s caregivers were connected and attached some of the time; The contact was unreliable, unpredictable so we didn’t learn to trust it. Perhaps our caregivers had life challenges, problems with their relationship or were burdened with work, addiction or other issues.
As adults in intimate relationships the predominant emotion of the Alligator is anger, fear of separation and abandonment. They feel lonely, believe that their partner is never there. They cannot count on their needs being met, and cannot guess what their partner feels for them because the partner doesn’t show their feelings.
To evolve into healthy mature love, the stretch (growth) of the Alligator is to allow themselves to be, not be dependent on their partner for their overall happiness. To learn to be separate and yet together.
Unconsciously we attract partners who have been wounded in the same developmental phase but respond in opposite ways. The (Turtle) will attract the (Alligator). When the Turtle shuts down it not only takes them away from a loving relationship but it further wounds their partner. When the (Alligator) demands attention and connection from their partner it causes the Turtle to withdraw even further, taking them away from their partner.
Relationships often end but unless the person acknowledges their wounding and their contribution to the frustrations in their relationship they will attract the same type of person.
Imago Couples Therapy provides the safe space for a couple to voice their deepest fears, to ask for what they want and need so that they can heal their childhood wounds and experience the joy of a connected relationship.
