Do you know what keeps conflict and the power struggle in place? Yep! Criticism. Criticism kills love. Criticism can kill a marriage. There is no such thing as constructive criticism in intimate relationships. When we criticize others we hurt them and we hurt ourselves. When we criticize our partner we freeze them in the very thing we want them to change. If I say to you, “You are just irresponsible,” I have told you who you are. No one is willing to look at themselves or open up to change when they are criticized, shamed or belittled. We hurt ourselves because we cannot see in others what also doesn’t live in us. “We don’t see people as they are, we see people as we are.”
What we criticize in our partner are the things that exist in us that we don’t want to see or accept. In addition, when we criticize someone our unconscious doesn’t know if it is going out or in. Let me give an example: Think when you feel hate, where do you feel it? Inside you! So criticism of others is a form of self-abuse and abuse of others. AA has a great saying, “When I point one finger at you, three fingers are pointing back at me.”
Let’s agree no more criticism in relationships, period.
What do we do with the energy that is embedded in our criticism? There is a message in criticism that needs to be spoken … that needs to delivered, but the way we often deliver it sucks. Therefore one thing that helps is to use the language of frustration. Let me ask you this: Do you know the difference between a criticism and a frustration? It’s an “I” statement. Instead of saying, “You are irresponsible,” we can say, “I am frustrated by you not doing what I asked you to do.” That’s better, but it still has a bit of defensiveness in it.
So I am going to suggest starting in a different way. It’s about being willing to own your own reaction as yours, and asking your partner if they would be open to help you understand what is the criticism about in you.
I know that when we our own reaction to things we have a very good change to unbury something important about ourselves. For me, what drives me to criticize is a wish for something to be different. That is, I want something to change, but I am either afraid to ask for it directly or I don’t know how to say it. But when I stop point the finger at my partner, I have the opportunity to explore what the wish or desire that is hiding in my criticism or frustration. This becomes a path of healing and growth for both partners.
So, instead of criticizing, complaining I can change it to a request, i.e., I can ask for what I want. If I ask, at least I have a better chance of getting what I want.
It also helps to be very specific about what we want. I believe that all of us want nothing more than to experience our partner as being happy with us. No one sets out to torture their partner by not giving them what they want. It is often that our partners don’t know how to please us so we need to ask them in an invitational way, rather than, criticizing them for not doing what we didn’t ask them to do. And no … they should have to read your mind or they shouldn’t just know. That notion is based on fairy tale love and it has a shelf life.
We enter into an Intentional Dialogue, in respective and responsible conversation. As you listen to your partner talk about their pain, that embedded in their message is an opportunity for you to grow and heal and recover your true wholeness.
