Falling in love is like a spiritual experience. Most couples start with total positive feelings of being in love, and then somewhere down the road, they painfully split up–sometimes after they’ve dragged each other over the hot coals. What does this reality tell us?
In the honeymoon stage of the relationship we coast along in a purely open and receptive role. There is nothing we have to do. We just enjoy all those great honeymoon feelings of being in love. It’s intoxicating. During this phase, we feel our partner inspires, uplifts us and can do no wrong.
However when differences or upset feelings come up in a relationship, (as it will inevitably) we find ourselves without our source of intoxicating brew of inspiration. Both partners want that missing fix … that uplift and neither one is able to inspire it or make it happen.
There is a moment in all relationships when a couple turns from the bliss of the intoxicating, fun, and exciting honeymoon phase and encounter their first problem, issue, upset or difference. This is a shock and it may lead to disappointment or doubts. The openness and receptivity of the honeymoon reverses, and there is contraction and withdrawal.
Just like the initial opening, the contraction — the closing down– is an internal state–it’s inside. It’s that internal feeling, just before your mind tells you to blame it on the other person. Then we think, “This is not the right person after all.” That thinking is the soulmate myth coming alive inside of us, propelling us to believe, think and possibly act in ways that will take our relationship down a negative path and into a hole. In a sense, the common cultural myth of soulmates is very a dangerous one because it usually ends up being a relationship breaker.
Often folks cannot see what to do when their relationship gets challenged or tested by time. Each person hopes the other will re-inspire all those “in love” feelings of bliss, magic and excitement. This way of thinking is the trap. You make it the other person’s job to open you up and make you feel love. Cannot be done! The truth is this: couples living in this trap are being passive … inactive … not participating … and tragically, tragically out of touch with their own real power of love and loving.
What’s the trap? The trap is each inactive and non-partipating person is waiting.
Both waiting, nobody is doing anything for the other person. As this goes both ways, it can never work. Nobody gets anything and each ends up resenting the other. Therefore when the next challenge or upset arise, in the next phase of love–and if couples remain passive and non-participating–the next theme becomes: “You make me feel bad.” This theme is one of the dances I call “labeling and blaming.”
How to Grow Love in the Midst of Challenges, Upsets, Problems and Differences
In a real-relationship, challenges come. The occasional dark clouds will descend. During these times, we are asked to stay present with what is–not run and hide and wait for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has a positive purpose.
Relationship is our best and greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called to do the work. What is the work? The work to become more skillful in relating … the work of moving beyond past wounding and limits. The work of grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave and process emotions.
The inspiration for my private couple intensives and retreats inspired me to discover the tools and strategies to establish a lasting, great relationship:
- Learn how to change patterns that damage love
- Heal and overcome old baggage that holds us back today
- Improve communication skills to get good results
- Soothe difficult feelings in a relationship or within yourself
- Create a shared vision as a foundation for long-term success
In my couple intensives and therapy I have seen hundreds of partners struggling to understand how the relationship they gave their hearts to in the beginning become such a deep source of pain. They are mystified how this could have happened. Some are frustrated. Others are hopeless. Sometimes this has gone on for decades, their hearts essentially shut down and their marriage feeling like an empty shell.
Over the course of a few days with me in the supportive environment of the retreat, each comes to realize how they never knew how to communicate in ways that enabled love to thrive. As they learn effective tools and begin to heal their wounds I watch most of them fall in love all over again. It’s like seeing a beautiful sunrise after a long dark night of the soul. I am seeing the birth of real soul-mates–one who know how to enable love to thrive even in the face of challenges.
The Key to Lasting happiness in Love and Relationship.
Some people communicate in ways that promote good feelings and a happy connection. Most of us need to learn how to do this better.
Become an effective communicator and get positive results. Express your needs and have them met. Cultivate good feelings and prevent negative patterns. For fourteen years I have help hundreds of people build healthy, happy relationships. I’ve learned what damages love and what makes a couple thrive. I’d like to give you the tools to keep your life on track. Email me at imagopaula@gmail.com or call me – 401-782-7899 for my new eBook, “Love is Trending in Marriage and Relationships Today,” which shows a step by step how to create a solid, secure partnership, the kind that gets better over time. I’m so confident about this new eBook it’s my gift to you.
