Thomas Merton once wrote, “Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life.” We use the word “love” so often these days. In many ways, it has become a tongue-in-cheek expression of endearment rather than a genuine characteristic of a healthy society.
This is not the case for every one of us, but it is for some. Sometimes (in our ignorance or thoughtlessness) we undermine the meaning of it, and in the process leave out the portion of love that pushes us a little too far for comfort.
Yes, we want people to love us. We want to feel that unconditional affection that is the birthright of every human being. But what if we don’t have a complete understanding of love? What if the media attempts to define for us the kind of love that encourages an incomplete expression?
It’s easy for me to show love to people who love me back, but it’s not so easy the other way around. When there is opposition, rejection, fear, or disagreement most of us will either naturally withdraw our love and/or despise the person or group from whom it comes. Loving them despite those circumstances, then, makes loving all the more uncomfortable. It challenges our pride, ego in profound ways. Which is why I believe this form of love is the real thing.
Abandoning the “Me” Syndrome
Look around and we will find someone who needs help. Yet, many of us are content with simply feeling sorry for the person and moving on, focusing on ourselves as if there’s nothing we can do. That’s just not true. It’s just easier. What seems more important in our culture is consuming the latest and greatest phone, sneakers, app, the shiny objects; having the most Twitter, Facebook or Instagram followers. Sadly, our world view is saturated in selfishness. There’s so much I need. There is much on my plate. I am so busy. I have to go! Why would I want to worry about anyone else’s problems? What’s in it for me?
We can still do something. And the truth is, it will make you uncomfortable. It will push you outside of the realms of yourself and help you see the needs around you which are abundant. Think about the work you do. It doesn’t matter what it may be at this moment, just ponder with me for a second. In some aspect or another, your tasks should be helping someone else down the line. Making someone else’s job easier, better, more manageable. Providing valuable service to customers who called because they need something.
During those moments, though, we are most often preoccupied and thinking about ourselves. We just want to get the day over with and move on with our lives.
Maybe that’s why we’re so stressed. Perhaps that’s why we can’t find pleasure in what we do. We’re focusing primarily on ourselves.
Our inner dialogue sounds something like this, “What someone else needs is not that important anyway.” Real love is not always about how we feel when are doing something. It’s about doing what we can to improve someone else’s life. It’s about taking the “me” mentality our of the center for the sake of the “other” no matter how we feel. And that’s not easy. Trust me. I know. I’ve been there. This is something I have learned to accept in my own existence. I’ve realized there’s more to life than the worldly clamors of gaining materialism, exposure, popularity and trying to win. The world we live in is quite dark, but it’s not a world without light (as overwhelming as the dark may seem). We just need to find the light and move toward it, fully informed about love.
Giving More Than Taking
I’ll be the first to admit that it feels good to get attention. All eyes are on you. You get this dreamy picture of being on center stage, with the lights facing you, the flowers pouring in all around and applause. This analogy is true for many areas of our lives.
I grew up with poverty mindset. My belief was that if I gave, I would deplete my own resources—monetary, emotional, physical—and there would not be enough for me. But my struggle was a deeper heart issue—truly understanding the value that when everyone gives everyone receives—a win-win. It’s simple math.
Most of the time our minds are fixated on what we can get out of life instead of what we can give. Gaining overpowers giving in this regard, more than we care to admit. For me, it’s only when I was humbled and taught to see the need to be self-less that I was able to rid myself of the worrying about what I was not gaining.
We Don’t Get to Pick and Choose
We live in a world full of people with different lifestyles. People who look differently, speak different, work different, different colors. America is notoriously a “melting pot,” flowing with diverse cultures and ethnicities. But that doesn’t mean these differences are always welcomed. Naturally, we’re drawn to these assortments based on the connections we feel to them, the way we were raised and the environments we grew up in has a lot to do with that. So we flock to what is normal for us, at least most of the time. There’s nothing wrong with this, in and of itself. Still, we have to ask ourselves questions that reach the heart of what hinders us from befriending other folks. What is blocking us from loving on folks who are different? If the fact that someone looks different causes me to avoid them, I have a problem. That’s not loving. That’s judgment. That’s striving to keep the boundaries strong that have separated us for far too long.
In love, there is honesty, compassion, there is empathy, there is affection.
Now, while many will argue that this is or should happen instantaneously, like clicking or swiping on dating sites, I would say the opposite. It takes time to confront ourselves, digest these different realities we encounter and to move beyond phobias, biases, pre-judgments and preconceived assumptions. It is a process, a necessary one.
Love is messy.
Think about this from the perspective of a family (any family) or a relationship (any relationship). Things get crazy sometimes. People don’t always say things that we agree with or do things that fit our values or worldview. But does love simply cease because of this? Of course not. It’s growth we should seek, not perfection. Growth strengthens and builds, encourages and lifts others up when we fall. The same is true for love.
It’s also, as uncomfortable as it may be, takes a willingness to leave a picky, selective pseudo-love. People are different, we can’t ignore that. But that’s a good thing. These kinds of realities stretch us to our absolute limits and reveal what some of us aren’t used to experiencing: the idea that love should intrinsically be directed and expressed towards everyone. Because love remains, committed and strong.
May your heart be filled with peace, joy and love in 2019.
Blessings Paula.
