“He hit me!” Daria announced in a harsh tone when she and Ricardo came in for their first couple’s session. “You provoked me until I did. You wanted me to hit you!” Ricardo rebutted.
“No, I didn’t!” You always blaming me for everything. Why can’t you just take responsibility and say you’re abusive. You’re just like your step-dad and you know he was and still is an abuser.”
You’re impossible! You’re never satisfied with anything I do. Who do you think you are–my judge and jury? Get a life ___! and get off my F@*king back ___. Besides, you provoke me into hitting you. You hit me sometimes too. Don’t pretend you’re the innocent one in all this!”
Whoa, whoa, hold up … whoa guys … time out!” I said to interrupt their rapidly escalating battle. “It makes sense that both of you are scared and upset. You’re intruding on each other’s boundaries and trying to protect yourselves at the same time. Let’s slow things down a bit and try and find out what’s underneath the emotional and physical abuse you’re talking about.
The first order to business, I told them was to stop the hitting! They simply could not allow it to continue. I also recommended that they attend a marriage intensive and weekend workshop, which would specifically give them insight, help them gain some compassion for each other and an understanding of early childhood wounding. The combination of the workshop experience and the marriage intensive therapy is strong medicine and a healing balm.
Because Daria and Ricardo didn’t bond securely with their first caretakers, their parents, they had a lot of difficulty trusting and being close to other people later in life. Intimate relationships were particularly hard for them. When they felt unsafe-especially rejected or abandoned they had a tendency to get violent and abusive to try and control their partner and avoid feeling hurt.
They told me that they did not want to divorce or separate–so I advised them that they would have to practice, faithfully, everything they learned with me and in the workshop. I also told them that I would introduce them to a safe way of communicating called Intentional Dialogue, which would help them calmly and honestly talk with each other without becoming abusively reactive. Developing and practicing the self-discipline that Intentional Dialogue teaches seems the best way to make sure they dealt with these conflicts while they were fresh and before they festered. Otherwise tensions would gradually build up and before they knew it one or both of them would feel so scared and anxious they would be in danger of having the situation escalate into violent behavior.
I also said they might not like making the effort that Intentional Dialogue requires and it would not be easy for them to really listen to each other and restrain from reacting until it was their turn to speak. But I also didn’t think they would like the alternative either. Although Dialogue can be difficult, it is a lot easier and less expensive than separating and getting a divorce.
Daria and Ricardo seem relieved that I didn’t get caught up in their fears or pass judgment on them. Like a lot of couples who surrender and come to the realization that they need help, they simply didn’t know how to stop their hurtful patterns of relating. They used the relational style of hiding their genuine feelings by attacking each other. Rather than calming themselves when they felt unsafe … because of strong feelings like anger, sadness, success, closeness, or excitement; they covered up their fears by acting tough and invincible. In this “macho” stance, they invaded each other’s boundaries with escalating rounds of critical rejecting words and provocative behavior, both putting up a protective facade to defend themselves as they battled one another.
Ricardo and Daria invaded each other’s boundaries with hurtful verbal assaults. The boundary violating relational styles used were: 1) defining the other as impossible, or 2) even crazy as they competed for superior distinction and pleaded with the other to change so that their relationship would work properly. 3) Neither of them took responsibility for their part in the difficulties. But they did stick with couple’s therapy and enrolled in a workshop.
It is obvious how Daria and Ricardo violated each other’s boundaries. Physical boundary intrusions are easy to identify, but it is more difficult to identify the ways Daria and Ricardo violated each other’s emotional boundaries. Click here to see how we commit boundary violations.
Awareness and courage are necessary to transform boundary intrusions. Doing so requires consciously stepping out of our macho and protective facades and owning what we truly think, feel, want and need. Sometimes calling on our spiritual resources is necessary to gain the self-confidence and support to do the work we need to open our hearts again. Whatever our spiritual practices are, having a sense of connection with a Reality that is greater than our immediate circumstances can provide us with support and inner strength when things are difficult with our partner.
Blessings on your relational journey,
Paula
