It happens easily! Unconsciously and unintentionally we cross over the no-s0-visible boundary-lines with our partners, friends, colleagues, and children because we are not thinking. We are on automatic pilot, distracted, angry, sad, scared, tired or tense and before we know it, we’ve said something or done something that dishonors both of us. These painful slips in our attitudes, word, and actions can sometimes cause BIG tears in the fabric of our marriages and relationships. Let’s take a closer look at some typical boundary violations.
Emotionally Intrusive/Rejective Messages
- Name-calling
- Because I feel the way I feel, you should change (or give me what I want)
- You are responsible for how I feel
- You should feel ____(bad, guilty, ashamed, embarassed, responsible for me).
- It you really loved me you would_______
- I’m your victim (said directly or indirectly)
- I’m the victim of _______ (illness, depression, abuse, anxiety helplessness, misunderstanding, etc.) soy and the world should _________ (excuse me, make it up to me, give me special privileges, overlook my bad behavior).
- I’ve done so much for you, you should _______(the martyr stance).
- If you won’t ____, then I will _______.
- You’re all I’ve got. I can’t survive without you.
Emotionally Projecting Messages
- I know how you feel better than you do.
- I know how you feel even if you don’t.
- I feel what I imagine you feel, but I’m unaware of my own feelings and assume they are coming from you.
- You make me feel ______.
Mentally Intrusive/Rejective Messages
- This is the TRUTH. This is what you ought to think.
- My ideas count. Yours do not.
- I know what you think.
- I can read your mind accurately all the time.
- My interpretation, analysis, judgment of you is correct.
- My interpretation/analysis of what happened is correct.
- Do not dispute my authority.
- Only what I think, want, say or do counts.
- I know what you ought to do.
- I’ll ________ (some threatening behavior), if you don’t do what I want you to do.
- What you think is bad, wrong and misguided.
- Your point of view, perceptions don’t count.
- Don’t ever tell anyone our family secrets.
- You don’t see what you think you saw.
- If you ever tell, I’ll ________ (threatening behavior of some kind).
- We don’t talk about that subject.
- Don’t think that.
- Don’t think for yourself. Let me think for you.
- You’re stupid, dumb, wrong, misguided.
Spiritually Intrusive/Rejective Messages
- I (or we speak for God)
- You’ll go to hell if you don’t follow our rules
- There is only one way to believe and this is the way
- Don’t question your faith
- Don’t explore other points of view
- Anything other than our way is the devil’s way
- Your sexuality is bad
- Your feelings are bad
- Your thoughts are bad
- You are bad
- God wants to punish you
It takes loving awareness and courage to transform boundary intrusions. Doing so requires us to step out from behind our defensive walls and owning up to what we really think, feel, want, and need. Instead of attacking our partners/spouses we must reveal our authentic selves. This means revealing our vulnerability and trusting our ability to handle whatever response we receive. If you need help click here.
Sources: Stosny, Steven. “The Compassion Workshop: Compassion as Self-Empowerment Against Attachment Abuse.” The Journal of Imago Relationship Therapy 4 (1999): 17-44.
Personal conversation during couple intensive with Maya Kollman, 2011.
