Imago relationship therapy (Imago is the Latin word for Image) is a cutting edge, transformational, relational model that helps couples restore connection, rediscover aliveness and joy and amplify the positive rather than the difficulties. Imago also teaches couples how to be empathetic and vulnerable.
Oh … no, the “V” word. Unfortunately culture misguides us into thinking that vulnerability means weakness. This is not true. Vulnerability is scary at times, but it is always brave.
When we shield ourselves from feeling vulnerable we also shield ourselves from feeling love, intimacy, closeness, connection and being known. And guess what? Pain, intimacy, connection, love and closeness all come to us through the same door.
I am not sure about you, but I had no idea how to have a relationship and neither did the folks around me. I didn’t know how to read conflict and so in my adult relationships I did exactly what I learned how to do as a child.
Through Imago, I learned that we see everything through the veil of our childhood experience. And much of what goes on in relationships has nothing to do with current time. I carried a lot of shame about my bad behaviors and my coping mechanisms scared the hell out of my partner.
Culture with it’s misguided notions about vulnerability has left us in a sad, hardened, frightened and painful relational existence.
We need to see the whole picture. What happens for someone (you) when you go from 0 – 60? By the time most couples get help they already lack empathy and vulnerability.
Without empathy and vulnerability we cannot feel the relationship.
Imago can help couples rediscover their natural sense of empathy and learn to be “Intentional.” Intentional is an important word. To be intentional we need to be able to think about what we want to create and think about the best way to make it happen. We need to be conscious of the impact we have on our partner so we can create connection rather than disconnection. We cannot just be impulsively lashing out or acting out. Children are impulsive, they have a feeling and they act it out; they don’t have impulse control.
Many people don’t get this: the word “Relationship” implies that there are two people. We cannot have a working relationship when one person is present and the other person is invisible.
In Imago, communication occurs through the Intentional Dialogue- a process that makes it safe enough for partners to encounter each other and learn that there can be two different realities and no one dies. There is no reason to feel scared of another person’s point of view if we realize that both can exist.
In the Intentional Dialogue there are two roles: The Sender (speaker) talks from a place of self-reflection, learns the language of self-reflection and speaks in small chunks so that the person gets what they are saying. The Receiver (listener) learns that listening is a sacred act, it’s a special way of listening. In the Intentional Dialogue, the Receiver is participating in the emergence of another person, rather than participating in the annihilation of another person.
Imago is an Attitude and a Way of Life. Our evolutionary survival directive is to have a strong sense of belonging. When we engage in Intentional Dialogue we create for each other a safe sanctuary where we can grow into who we have always been.
If any of this resonates with you, I invite you to attend my upcoming Couples Weekend Workshop and rediscover empathy, aliveness and connection.
Blessings on your journey!
