Before Imago, Yael and I had no idea how to have a relationship, nor did we know what to do with conflict. On some level we knew that we had within us what we needed to figure it out, but we lacked a framework, a way of understanding relationship, a common language and a skill-set that would teach us how to live in partnership. Individual therapy and 12-step spirituality helped us to know ourselves, but we were still lost once we were in relationship with each other. With each other, we resorted to rugged individualism, which led us to work against each other. Rugged individualism in a relationship functions a lot like bullying and domination. One of the the most common manifestations is, “Only one of us can exist in this relationship!” And since “I” am the one who is perfect, and you are not, I am going to make it so miserable for you, that no matter how diplomatic, attractive or intelligent you are, if you don’t think the way I think or behave the ways I want you to, one of us will give in and/or leave. Conversations of rugged individualists revolve around “who’s right and who’s wrong,” in a relentless attempt to change the other; tactics that gave us the opposite of what we wanted. These primitive, survival defensive behaviors brought shame to us, and shame invites shame.
Imago gave us a framework, a common language, a way of holding ourselves, and it changed our attitude toward relationships and each other. We were no longer seeing each other as enemies, but as partners in healing. Equally magnificent and equally fucked up. Vulnerability became something we learned to embrace rather than see as weakness. Vulnerability allowed us to feel our relationship and rediscover a natural sense of empathy.
12 years ago, baffled and seeking relief, we attended our first “Getting the Love You Want” Couples workshop together. This past weekend we presented our first “Getting the Love You Want” Couple workshop. Culture would have us believe that dreams happen suddenly and with almost no effort. Culture would have us believe that relationships don’t last, are full of pain and disappointment and are therefore not worth tending to or nourishing. What culture doesn’t show us (in its romantic movie view) is that, in relationships, we see everything through the veil of childhood experiences and that much of what happens in relationships is not about current time.
Our experience is countercultural. The road culture leads us down with regards to relationships was a dead end. Imago offered us hope. Imago allowed us to work through our challenges, illuminating and intentionally growing what was positive between us. It helped us heal and grow from the challenges rather than give up and drag our pain into the next 2,3,4 relationships. Imago turned culture’s short-sighted, immature view of relationships, (i.e., happily ever after and one person is right and other other is wrong) on its head and helped us to see a much bigger picture which we had no idea was even possible.
This weekend we were able to pass on this hopeful vision to other couples who, like us, didn’t know there was another way. We are eternally grateful for the couples who entrusted us with their relationships, their hopes and fears and who opened their hearts and minds this weekend to allow themselves to embrace what Imago has to offer. We are also eternally grateful for the love and support of our compassionate, skilled teachers and mentors on our journey and for our ability to trust in the process even when we were scared and uncertain about where we would end up. The joy is in the journey. Imago teaches us to be curious, vulnerable and intentional. We look forward to presenting many more Getting the Love You Want workshops in the future.
May we all grow from strength to strength.
Y & P.
