Here are four questions to ask yourself: Does your partner communicate? Have capacity? Is there chemistry and small talk in the relationship? Does your partner have self-awareness and … a job? (Less about the job and more about ambition/passion and the ability to build something). Yes, yes, yes, but you’ve heard all these before. There are four questions to ask yourself that you may not have heard or thought about. But first, let’s define what a “relationship” means to you—today. Not what it meant when you were in your early twenties chasing bewildering dynamics stemming from a dysfunctional childhood and old wounds.
Basically, we have definitions of love before all the shit went down; and we have definitions of love after therapy and our eat-love- pray journeys. If you’re in a place where love means sacrifice, not having a life, and losing yourself in someone else, then go play that out. No seriously. Because you’re going to get nothing from this article except resistance.
You have to experience all that shit first hand in order for you to open up to my words. Or it will not land for you. Messages have no traction unless you’re ready to hear them. You’ll disagree and blame it on something.
Okay, so if you’re still here, it means you’ve gone through hell and back when it comes to love. You’ve lost yourself. You’ve put people on pedestals. You’ve compromised yourself, had your heart shattered. Many times. You’ve gotten into heated screaming fights. Thrown chairs. Cheated. Been cheated on. Attended meetings. Woken up feeling gross, empty, and confused. You’ve connected dots. Given up. Gotten back up. Gained weight. Lost weight. Taken many breaks. Dated yourself. But maybe you didn’t really do it for yourself or with integrity, so you tried it all again after more stormy loves. Now this time, something has shifted and you realized that “date yourself” isn’t just a bumper sticker. It’s a way to find your voice and connect back to self or maybe for the first time you actually have a sense of self in relationships.
You’ve started exercising a muscle you’ve rarely used before—communication. You’ve discovered self-help books and therapy, and now you’re ready to redefine some things, to put sugary sugary love down and eat some love vegetables. Now you are ready to put your esteem on different things because you’re done with houses built on sand. You want rich fertile soil—something you can build—something meaningful that can last. You want sustainability, not just hot and heavy. You’re interested in something deeper than the flesh. You need someone with tools and capacity, not just pretty eyes or nice tits. You’ve matured. You’ve grown. You have a stronger sense of Self. And finally, this is all non-negotiable.
Okay then this article is for you!
Here are (4) questions to ask yourself if you want to know if your relationship has a chance of being sustainable, meaningful, fulfilling and healthy.
No. 1 Does your partner take ownership?
If your partner doesn’t have the ability to take ownership of his/her words, actions, energy/emotional state, history, and life, you are building your relationship on sand.
What exactly does taking ownership mean?
It means s/he looks at something with honest eyes and recognizes his or her part in it. It means not blaming and ending sentences with buts or “It was because you did _____”, and instead with statements with periods on the end. It means apologizing for real! It means empathy and compassion. It means looking inward, always, instead of at you. It means taking a full inventory of self. Not once, but often, as a practice. That’s the first piece.
The second piece is to put action behind the words and make changes to improve himself/herself. Not for you but for him or herself and because s/he really wants to be a better person and love in a healthy way. Taking ownership doesn’t mean s/he is giving you something—it means means s/he likes himself and is building self-worth.
What happens when s/he takes ownership? Trust is built. You hold hands. You grow together. Fights are productive and they bring you two closer together. A bridge is created. People are understood. The love becomes stronger. What happens when s/he doesn’t take ownership? S/he pushes you away, flips their lid, lives a life around you instead of with you, creating drift and an island for you to live on— alone.
Here’s how to take ownership:
If s/he NEVER takes ownership or doesn’t know how, it’s almost impossible to build a solid relationship. Assuming you do, the relationship will be lopsided and you will slowly grow tired from all the pent up anger, frustration and resentment from forcing yourself to have sex when you really don’t want to.
No. 2 Does your partner champion your story?
Your life is more than your relationship. If your partner understands and supports this, s/he will champion your story. S/he will get behind what you want. Not try to fix, but support, encourage, appreciate, adore, advocate, celebrate. S/he doesn’t have to agree with your choices or share the same passions as you. But s/he does need to support you and your dreams because they are important to you, and what’s important to you should be important to them—even if they don’t line up with their vision of your life. S/he should see your story as bigger than his or her wants and shoulds for you. If not, s/he is making it about him or herself and not you; taking, not giving. You know that saying, “You are either growing together or growing apart.” Click here to continue reading.
