Have you ever participated in water cooler chat? Standing at the water cooler a woman ask her male coworker, “So, do you actually enjoy being married?” The man replied “I’m not sure what you mean.” She sighed and said “Well, a ton of people I know get excited about their wedding. Then they get married, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Their life becomes nothing more than drama and fights.”
The woman asking was single by choice, but also spent plenty of time dating around. She believed that marriage was suffocating because of the horror stories she’d heard from friends. The guy took her seriously hoping to shed clarity and dispel the myth plaguing her.
The way our culture talks about love and relationships is absolutely daunting—it scares people and makes them cynical about marriage and romantic relationships before they even get into one.
The problem with trash talking your significant other is that you’ll become your own self-fulfilling prophecy. You will only see all the negative in the other person as opposed to their strengths and what’s good about them. You might even believe the stories you tell yourself; the ones you’ve subconsciously invent, while the person you’re with is actually amazing.
The negative stories you make up will intensify and a new cycle will begin — break up, find a new fling, see their flaws, bitch about their flaws (because we all have them), grow disillusioned, and break up again.
As the love and relationship dating pool continues to shrink, we grow jaded, contemptuous, bitter and cynical. A constant source of dysfunction in relationships is a partner geared toward the defensiveness and cynicism they believe protects them. The less perfect the relationship, the more we self-sabotage. That critical worldview even spills into friendships where accusations run rampant, provided the friend you’re complaining about isn’t sitting at the table. Who wants to date — be friends —or marry that person?
Work Through Issues Together, Not Apart
It’s harder than it sounds given that relationships will inevitably become conflictual. There are no magic dating scenarios or a marriage where you’re always in love—kissy face and singing each other’s praise. The point isn’t to complain, but to discover how we can love one another better. If we have friends who consistently agree with whatever trash and nasty remarks we make against our romantic interests, we don’t have friends. We have a coalition of cowards. Cowards will tell you whatever you want to hear. A friend, however, will be objective and loving enough to point out errors. They also want to see our relationship thrive and become successful as opposed to becoming another dead end or divorce statistic.
The key to any healthy relationship or friendship will be open lines of communication. What’s the point of bashing your significant other knowing it may ease your frustration, but won’t fix your issues? If nothing changes, well then… nothing changes. All you’re left with is a festering sore you pick at to remind yourself how unhappy you are. This dilemma leaves you two options. Break up or work it out. If the relationship is toxic, then know when to call it quits and get some help.
But if you’re sabotaging your relationship under the guise of venting, maybe it’s time for a change in tactics.
Peace,
Paula
