You learned to suppress your tears. Your understanding of humanity became entwined with a version of masculinity that equated strength with physical prowess, financial responsibility, spatial control, and emotional stoicism akin to a tough steak.
Unacknowledged, there was a reason for this type of masculinity. Your performances of toughness served as a shield, deterring potential challenges. Looking like you could handle a fight often meant you didn’t have to engage in one. Most of the time, you simply just wanted to live well, be respected, and be recognized as human.
Your role models for manhood—your father, uncle, stepfather, grandfather, older brothers—largely embodied traditional masculinity, devoid of vulnerability and tears. Emotional expression within this paradigm was confined to the realms of sexual desire and anger at perceived disruptions or injustices.
Lust and rage, historically upheld as hallmarks of American manhood, were seen as logical, reasonable emotions—far removed from anything considered “womanish” like crying or hysteria. Consequently, you unintentionally devalued women for expressing vulnerability while simultaneously engaging in your own emotional outbursts.
Your concept of masculinity has been shaped by those who oppress you. You measure your humanity against those who pose threats to you, your family, and the broader world. Envisioning freedom through the lens of unchecked power and privilege, you willingly embrace toxic aspects of manhood—hyper-masculinity, homophobia, misogyny, and violence.
Deviation from this toxic script leaves you feeling less masculine and, subsequently, less human. Subordinating women and LGBTQ individuals, bonding through harmful rituals, romanticizing rage, and the accompanying violence have all contributed to a version of humanity intertwined with harm and oppression.
bell hooks and Pat Collins can guide you in reevaluating your relationship with yourself, your body, and the women in your life. Their scholarly works challenge the male perspective, encouraging self-reflection. Here are some potential revelations:
- You may recognize that you’re using your body in unhealthy ways, finding no joy in your choices.
- Some of your decisions may only be reinforcing your pain and perpetuating the separation of mind and body.
- You could realize that you’re becoming emotionally void.
- Reflection on your relationships may prompt you to release the idea of healing through unhealthy means.
- Punching things may be a way to avoid acknowledging the desire to cry.
- Your reliance on smoking, drinking, overeating, and excessive sex may stem from a lack of functional alternatives.
- Engaging in activities like football, basketball, dominoes, video games, and sex may be the only ways you know how to cope.
Consider the possibility of a different world, both externally and within yourself. Exploring these possibilities may initially bring mixed feelings—forcing you to confront who you’ve been and who you could become.
I look forward to seeing who you become. Let’s talk!
With gratitude,
Dr. Paula
