Relationship skills matter regardless of who we are. Our education and early socialization place a lot of emphasis on how to communicate with others through reading, writing and speaking. But there is very little emphasis is placed on listening.
Considering that listening is the communication skill we use most frequently, it’s embarrassing how little time most of us have dedicated to becoming a good listener. After all, everyone loves being listened to—being heard.
On Sunday, I watched the short clip of Gayle’s King interview with R.J.Kelly. As an Imagotherapist, what I was impressed by was how, when R.J. Kelly started to escalate—jumping out of his chair, hitting his fist in his chest, cursing with emotional intensity, Gayle King maintained neutrality. Hail Gayle!!! She was the epitome of what I teach my couples in the Imago Dialogue. At one point, she quietly called his name: Robert and made eye-contact as a way of letting him know she was not going to get up and leave. She in her best efforts was trying to salvage that interview.
For sure, Gayle King had a lot to say, she wasn’t even half way done with her interview. She was tuned into her own inner dialogue and thought process, which might have been, “Sit down, you’re looking kinda crazy here, just sit down.” But she knew not to say it out loud, which would have escalated his reactivity even more.
As an Imago therapist, I teach listeners to be open, curious and present, which is a challenge to all of us and something we have to learn. I also teach listeners to put aside for a moment their own agenda and point of view, opinions and judgments so that they can really hear and understand where the other person is coming from. This is not easy—it’s really an art.
With all that was going with her internally and externally, Gayle King was attuned enough to know that whatever she said would not have been received by R.J. Kelly because he was not in the emotional space to hear anything. He was what we call in Imago—emotionally flooded.
When we feel as threatened and unsafe as R.J. Kelly was (as he stated “I’m fighting for my life”), our survival brain (the amygdala) gets activated and the pre-frontal cortex goes offline. Essentially our brain is hijacked. Gayle King intuitively sensed that it was fruitless to say anything to R.J. in that moment.
In fact, in many key situations where it seems most appropriate to react or dish out information when someone is that emotionally flooded or reacting out of such intense emotion, many of us could achieve far more in our relationships by taking a step back and simply listening. Like Gayle King did.
The hallmark of great conversations has very little to do with statements themselves. The deepest learning is around listening beyond words: Where are they coming from? What are they trying to say? Listening to the emotion behind the words.
Yet despite our desire to be listened to, most of us don’t listen to others enough. Too often we are far too consumed with ourselves to be fully engaged. In this interview, Gayle King masterfully put her own agenda aside and sat quietly—in full presence with R.J. Kelly, bearing witness (like the rest of us watching this interview) to his pain and humiliation.
“[Most] People don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.” — Chuck Palahniuk
Living in love and light,
Paula
