How Frustration in Relationships are a Gift for Both Partners

As adults, if we become frustrated more than twice over the same thing, we can apply the 90/10 formula, which means 10% of the energy of the frustration is in the present, and 90% of the energy is in the past.

If 90% of that frustration energy was not in the past, we would notice it and say, “You know, that’s interesting behavior.”

I’ll give an example. I can say, “Yael loves to take Shabbos naps,” “You know, that’s interesting behavior.”

Although I’m not this way anymore … I used to feel very nervous, anxious and neglected when she took naps. And… if I had past scenarios of neglect and abandonment, I would become anxious and nervous … as soon as I perceived her taking a nap as ignoring me or being inattentive to me.

When 90% of the energy is actually from the past, and our partner pushes our buttons and it frustrates us … they give us a gift.

The gift is a key that opens the door to our past. So it’s really a good thing when our buttons are pushed to say, “Thank you” to our partners. Our partners, these ‘angels of discomfort,’ “are put in our lives to make our lives uncomfortable, so we don’t fall asleep and miss it.”

So then … at a conscious level, together you can explore past scenarios using a new mode of communication I use with couples that dissolves frustrations called,”Crossing the Bridge.”

When you “Cross the Bridge” you can actually tell your partner that the frustration is connected to a scenario in your past … you explore this together.

After, Yael and I used the 90/10 formula, “Crossed the Bridge,” and explored the scenarios fueling my anxiety and frustration with her taking Shabbos naps, it was a gift of healing.

First, it deepened our understanding and connection, and we both felt feel safe in the process. Second and more importantly … I didn’t need to go somewhere alone … or retreat by myself to try to change how I was with my partner. By “Crossing the Bridge,” we co-created a healing event and a new reality … together.

If 10% of our energy is in the present and 90% of our energy is in the past, it’s our FULL responsibility to heal it:

When couples “Cross the Bridge” it actually creates an integrated event. We open up our inside places of vulnerability, realness, and authenticity for our partner, and we become each other’s allies on the path to relational growth and maturity.

====>>>>>>> Know for yourself … “Cross the Bridge” here.