Several months after Yael and I put marriage on the horizon, the relationship began to feel like an absolute nightmare, even dangerous at times. She push all my buttons. I pushed back in fear and anger and then she would retreat into her turtle shell.
When I got angry, I would also do something we humans tend to do a lot when something doesn’t work: we do it louder and louder and louder. So I’d say, “Yael, can we talk, I need you to show up for this relationship!”
You can imagine that this only caused her to retreat into her shell even more.
Then I would do the next natural thing and say, “YAEL, @*$!#%*% *&$$#^#!+= &@@#$” … yelling and screaming … “you’re not listening to me, you don’t love me!”
Now, who in their right mind would come out in such tumultuous weather? Those of you who are turtles are smart. You know that if you come out in a hurricane, you are going to be annihilated.
You also know that, when you’re hiding in the back of your turtle shell and have had enough, the only thing you can do is explode in a rage. That would happen to us. Yael would snap out of her shell and I would quickly become the turtle.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I wanted you to know that the turtle/hailstorm dynamic isn’t set in stone, it can flip-flop. Characteristically some of us are more hailstorm in emotional danger and characteristically some of us are more turtle in emotional danger.
I have written about this dynamic many times, so we can now see ourselves … and we know what we do in the emotional jungle of our relationship when it is dangerous.
It’s a good thing to look at yourself, and know how you react energetically. We need to own up to our turtle/hailstorm dance … own that we have become dangerous creatures to our partner. The best way couples can do this is by having a “reactive behavior party.”
Decreasing Reactive Behavior
- Write down (3) reactive behaviors that do you do when you’re angry or frustrated. For example, do you withdraw, stop talking, hide? Do you lash out, criticize, keep the fight going in your thoughts? Do you name all of your partner’s faults … get in your partner’s face, assume the worse?
- Give this list to your partner, say thank you, and give them a hug and a kiss.
- You and your partner take turns dramatizing these behaviors one by one. For example, if you criticize, do criticism as a funny, dramatic performance in fast-forward.
- Give your partner an Oscar for their performance.
**Whatever we do as a reactive behavior, helped us to survive at one time. But now it pollutes the relational space. Therefore it’s important to own it, and speak it in a new way.
Wishing you love & light,
Paula M. Smith M.Div., MFT
Certified Imago Therapist
Relationship Coach
401-782-7899
