I’m being transparent here …

Dear Loving Out Loud Community!

I want to take the opportunity to tell you about my relationship journey with my spouse Yael. We recently celebrated five years of marriage. We met on match.com eight years ago. Yes … an online dating success story, indeed.

When we met, Yael lived in Boston, MA., and interestingly, I was homeless, living on a friend’s couch in Jamestown, RI and teaching at Harvard. After two months of emails and phone calls, we decided to met in person at Starbucks in Harvard Square. It was amazing! After that first date, I knew I had found the one! And for the next four months we met every Tuesday at the Starbucks, in the Square, at 1:00pm.

The romantic phase was glorious. It was hard to focus on irrelevant things like work and other commitments. We had a lot in common: we both studied theology, we both had a deep interest and passion for spirituality and personal growth, we both enjoyed reading, art, traveling, community and music. Yael, who is a classically trained violinist often serenaded me. She even wrote a song and called it, “I Love Paula.”

After dating for eight months, we committed to each other, and put marriage on the horizon. But shortly after, the turbulence and conflict came knocking, and suddenly we were in the middle of it, arguing all the time. No matter what we did, we just kept falling deeper and deeper into conflict and it was painful and complicated. I was exhausted, ashamed (at some of the things I was saying and doing), and hurt. Yael, however, was ready to end the relationship–she had it! But I pleaded with her to give me and us another chance. I told her I knew of something that could help us.

Yael agreed to attend an IMAGO weekend workshop with me in the Berkshires. We were the only same-sex couple at this workshop, and made it a point to reach out and meet Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly-Hunt (the founders of IMAGO) and the workshop leaders to thank them for their amazing work. They hugged us and thanked us for being there. They made us feel special.

During the workshop we could feel the pain and struggle dissolving between us. We became energized and inspired, and we left the workshop knowing that breaking up was not an option. The workshop allowed us to fall in love again, and after that powerful experience, I continued my IMAGO professional training and focus on couples.

I am extremely grateful because Yael and I have had many, many loving, compassionate, spiritual teachers and mentors who taught us principles and rituals of a conscious and connected relationship where we can embrace “Loving Out Loud,” and see our relationship as a real adventure.

Over the years I have learned that teaching couples concrete, practical skills that help them use frustration and conflict as an opportunity to heal, for both partners, instead of a weapon for more wounding, results in long-term improvement. Instead of the tools remaining in my hands as their therapist or coach, couples are taught specific rituals and principles, and these skills are practiced by the couple.

In this way, couples can move from automatically reacting to each other in ways that are hurtful and hostile, to intentional, safe and healing communication and behavior. My work with couples is grounded in several sources: Marriage/relationships, IMAGO, the philosophy of Martin Buber, Relational Neuro-biology and Appreciative Inquiry.

“Loving Out Loud,” couples learn that the power struggle between them is a normal part of every relationship and while divorce is one way out of it, it’s not the only way. While insight and therapy is important, it’s not enough. Unless couples learn to do things differently in their interactions they will never get beyond the same difficulties they have already encountered. “Loving Out Loud” focuses on learning and using the practical tools to move beyond the power struggle.

Wishing you love & light,

Paula M. Smith M.Div., MFT

Certified Imago Therapist

Relationship Coach

401-782-7899