I have worked with Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) throughout my professional career as a therapist and I am an Adult Child. Today, I want to offer adult children and those who love them a positive message … a message of hope.
Adult children are typically sensitive folks, sensitive to the feelings of others, loyal, humble and hardworking. Most of us, prior to learning about our ACOA patterns, have been through some horrible relationships and eager to have good ones.
Knowing ourselves and sharing our insights with a partner is the greatest contribution we can make to our relationship. Also, recognizing our childhood patterns and changing the patterns that cause difficulties. This is a lifelong process and requires a relational mindset i.e., it is important for both partners to be able to look at their own patterns of behavior and talk about them with one another.
The Shock and Awe of Relationship
Everything was going so smoothly until I ran into an emotional explosion that blindsided me. I had fallen in love with the perfect person and suddenly I was confronted by a person I did not know. I told her that she was the cause of the explosion. Later we discussed it and (with proper help) arrived at a mutual understanding of the sensitive areas that produced the blow up.
Attention ACOA’s: There is no such thing as I am perfect and my partner is fucked, up. Yael and I recognized that we both contributed to the nightmare that was—our relationship. We both brought our sensitives into the relationship. It is not always possible to discover and identify the areas of sensitivity in each other’s background. Sometimes you may just be having a conversation, thinking you’re making up; someone suddenly blows up and once again, you find yourself confused about the relationship.
To be comfortable in a relationship requires safety, trust and openness; where partners share everything with each other and still love each other. It is this kind of love that motivates partners to make a commitment to each other. The commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. You may have heard the saying, “Bloom where you are planted.”
The Impact of Childhood – Two Significant Elements
It is important for ACOA’s to realize that the pattern of behaviors we developed in childhood carry over and affect our adult relationships. What we need to heal the trauma and create functional relationships has two elements. The first … and the easiest is the intellectual element which we learn from reading books, online articles and discussing these patterns in meetings, self-help groups, therapy, etc.
The second is not so easy—which is emotional insight element, which results from re-experiencing the childhood feelings in our adult relationships and being able recognizing these feelings as such.
Recognizing the Behaviors
ACOA’s feel the need to control their feelings and do not expose their thoughts. We also don’t trust easily, we assume negative outcomes, have difficulty setting boundaries, underestimate our attractiveness, are compulsive. Sometimes we do not remember our childhood; are quick to misconstrue what our partners says and we act the way we think adults act, but emotionally/inwardly we have retained our childish traits.
ACOA’s may suddenly blow up and accuse their partner of being selfish, unfaithful or wanting to get out of the relationship. We become so fearful in relationships that we tell our partner we want out. But then we are upset when they don’t call. Yael and I repeated this pattern for several years early on in our relationship.
Do Not Underestimate the Power of Love
When I met Yael, I had decided not to settle in an unhealthy relationship. When we met, I was in recovery for 20 years. I fell in love and had chosen someone who was dependable, smart and capable of working toward a close and loving relationship. However, this was new territory for me. In the back of my (child) mind, I anticipated that Yael would somehow mess me over, not have my back, disappoint or leave me. Although I had 20 years in recovery, I still had thought processes and beliefs leftover from the childhood residue of feeling unlovable. As John Bradshaw describes it, I was a victim of toxic shame. Toxic shame is the kind of shame where you feel your “being” is flawed …your identity is flawed. Shame was a sensitive area for both of us because we both had been disappointed, abandoned and hurt as children.
In response to these fears of abandonment, my ACOA (child) mind blew up and frequently accused my partner of wanting to leave, caring only about herself and not having my back.
These patterns re-established a “push-pull” roller-coaster relationship (AKA the emotional environment of childhood) and it was familiar to me because my alcoholic parent would blow up, was self-absorbed, and would leave the house and go get drunk, staying away, sometimes, for the entire weekend. On the Monday, he would be remorseful, hungover, semi-loving and attempt to make up for his misbehavior.
As adult partners we will discover that our relationships will duplicate the emotional environment of our childhood i.e.,—we will co-create patterns of behaving badly, acting out, saying thoughtless, hurtful things and then becoming remorseful and loving, any attempts to make up for our bad behavior.
The pattern itself can be a self-fulfilling prophesy with our ACOA (child mind) screaming, “I never want to see you again, get the fuck out, I hate you!” … while SIMULTANEOUSLY terrified that our partner will actually leave. If this behavior pattern is not understood and subsequently changed—one of you will end up leaving. What helped us to heal the toxic shame was loving each other— unconditionally. Unconditional love heals shame.
Six Ways ACOA’s Grow in the “Mind-Field”
- Slow down. Forming a good relationship is a slow process. Reassure your mate that you are in it for the long haul. Conflicts will frighten both of you, so talk openly about your fears. Avoid acting like you know it all. Be humble.
- Listen with the ears of your heart. None of us were taught how to listen. We are a society of talkers. The more I work with couples the more I realize that all of their issues would dissolve if they would just listen to each other. Listen without interrupting, judging, analyzing, shutting down, dismissing, importing your own stuff. Validate your partner’s experience and feelings.
- Learn about and maintain an I-Thou Relationship. Martin Buber, a Jewish philosopher, said the healing element in any relationship is I-Thou. Non-judging and acceptance heals a person over an extended period of time. Also remember you are not your partner’s therapist and your partner is not your therapist. The basic healing element for ACOA’s is being present in a loving, nonjudgmental and accepting way. You give this gift to each other.
- Validate. By the time we ACOA’s reach adulthood we have a lot of difficulty identifying and knowing what we feel. We have grown up believing and feeling that if we show our feelings, no one will be there to comfort us, or they will take advantage of our vulnerability. The latest research in child development shows us that ALL children need to be “Mirrored” instead of molded into being. Since many of us did not receive good mirroring, we learned to suppress our feelings and keep our thoughts to ourselves. Mirror your partner when s/he speaks to you by reflecting back what he/she said and then validate their feelings. This requires good listening skills.
- Use “I” Statements. Using “I” statements is a more effective way of getting your point across than saying, “You did this … or You did not do that.” “You” statements will automatically put your partner on the defensive, because when we say you, our partner feels as if we are blaming them. Start all communication with “I.” Talk about your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
- Clarify Needs and Turn Complaint/Criticisms into Requests. Anytime a person experiences a frustration, what is usually driving that frustration is an unmet need. It is important for partners to tell each other specifically what they each need. If your partner protests in anger, anger is a secondary emotion. Under anger is usually some unmet need, hurt or feelings of powerlessness. Communicate your needs clearly and ask for what you want specifically.
Last, do not forget to say how much you appreciate each other. Expressing love and appreciation will help balance out all of the challenging work ahead that ACOA’s need to accomplish in order to create a healthy, loving, committed, long-term, thriving relationship. You can do this! We did.
Blessings on your relational journey,
Paula
