Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good ones. It happens because of 1. ego or 2. stupidity or 3. disconnection. Or because of 4. smugness, 5. ignorance, 6. a widening ache, 7. an emptiness or 8. the need to know what else is there.
Infidelity happens because of 9. arrogance, 10. a lack of self-control, 11. because of that thing in all of us that wants to feel reassured or heroic or important or powerful or 12. as though we matter.
13. Infidelity happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation and it’s exciting and it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret and as though it won’t do any damage at all.
Infidelity happens because of 14. lies, the big ones, the ones we tell ourselves –“it won’t mean anything,” “nobody will know,” “it won’t do any harm” “it’s just sex.”
15. Infidelity happens because there is a moment that starts it all. One small, thoughtless, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing.
A moment where there’s an almighty crash between the real world with its real love and real people and real problems that we all go through, and the world that is forbidden and exciting and hypnotic, dripping with promises. And while these worlds feel so separate, but become tangled and woven, one into the other, and then … that real world with its real love and its real people are never the same again. 16. Whatever the reason for an affair, the emotional toll on the people and the relationship is brutal.
Infidelity breaks the foundations on which at least one person in the relationship found their solid, sacred, safe place to be.
Infidelity calls everything into question–who we believe we are, what we believe we had, or what we were working towards; our capacity to love, to trust, and our faith in our judgement. Infidelity beats down self-esteem and a sense of place and belonging in the relationship for both people, but it doesn’t have to mean an end to the relationship.
Infidelity: Betrayal or Expression of Loneliness?
There is no doubt that infidelity is a devastating act of betrayal, but it can also be an expression of loss or loneliness, or the need for novelty, autonomy, power, intimacy, affection, or the need to feel loved, wanted and desired. These are all valid, important needs and in no way represent a neediness or lack of self-reliance. On the contrary, they are the reasons we come together … reasons we fall in love and fight to stay in love. They are also the reason relationships fall apart.
Infidelity: Needs Get Hungry and We Get Tempted
We exist at our best-selves when we are connected with other humans, especially ones that we love and adore and feel connected to. Our need for human connection, intimacy, love, and validation are primal. Our needs can be ignored, pushed down, or denied, but they will never disappear. These needs are so important, that if they remain unmet for too long, they will create a tear in the relationship wide enough for someone else to walk through and claim the opportunity to meet those needs that, when met, can fuel intimacy, desire, alchemy, and attraction.
When an important need remains unmet, there are two options –and only two. We can either let go of the need, or change the environment in which we’re attempting to meet the need. It will be this way for all of us. When the need is an important one, letting go won’t be an option. This will create a splintering in the relationship, and the very real temptation to change the environment, as in, find someone else to meet the need/s that we actually want met by our partners.
Affairs often aren’t about wanting the person who is the target of the affair, but about wanting the way that person meets needs. If the person having the affair could have anything, it would most likely be to have the person they love – their spouse/partner—the one they are hurting – to be the one to meet the need. But things don’t always happen the way we want. 17. Infidelity happens because our needs get hungry and we get tempted.
When affairs happen, it’s likely that at least one of three things has happened for the person having the affair:
- An awareness that ‘something’ is missing, without awareness of what that something is;
- An awareness of exactly what is missing – an important need that has been hungry way too long – but also a catastrophic lack of honesty and openness within the relationship about this;
- Repeated unsuccessful attempts to be honest and open about the existence of the unmet need, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to have it met within the relationship.
Does an Affair Mean the End of the Relationship?
Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, a wake up call, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer, more real and more sustainable. For this to happen, it will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.
If you are struggling from the aftermath of an affair ask me about my 2-day couples private intensive. Email imagopaula@gmail.com
May you grow from strength to strength,
Paula
