Infidelity happens for plenty of reasons. None of them good. It happens because there’s a moment when the opportunity is wide open and full of aliveness and temptation, it’s exciting, it’s there and it acts like it can keep a secret; and as though it won’t do any damage at all. One small, stupid, opportunistic moment that changes everything, but acts as though it will change nothing.
The necessary shift in thinking about affairs
As long as we hold the belief that infidelity is about a 3rd party being sexier, prettier, more intelligent or nicer than our spouse, we will be crushed and set up for a lifetime of bitterness, cynicism and resentment. In holding this perspective we are not only vulnerable to affairs, we also have the potential to further injure devastated friends, colleagues and family members who might be dealing with this horrific betrayal in their marriages.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame after an affair has been discovered. Sometimes an affair is a symptom of disconnection, as much as a cause. There are plenty of other ways to hurt a relationship – withholding love, affection or approval, a lack of physical or emotional intimacy, and negativity, judgement, or criticism. All of us, even the most loving, committed and devoted of us will do these things from time to time.
There are a host of reasons that people turn their attention from a relationship to one with somebody new – and these are reasons, not excuses. But regardless of whether an explanation can be offered by biology, personality or evolution, having an affair is always a choice. Therefore, the more we can understand what drives a behavior, the more we can draw a bold underline between the affair and the rest of the forward movements.
The relationship
Not all affairs are a reflection of relationship dissatisfaction, but some are. The relationship reasons that drive people to have affairs are: an inability to communicate general unhappiness and dissatisfaction within the relationship; personal needs going unfulfilled; significantly diminished or absent feelings of love for the partner; frequency and quality of sex; lack of emotional support; lack of appreciation; lack of connection between the couple; the couple share more negative interactions and fewer positive interactions; less personal need for the relationship and fewer shared resources between the couple that will be lost and missed if the relationship ends (friendships, possessions, connections).
Yet, relationships can absolutely heal from infidelity, but this will depend on the love that remains, the honesty with which the breakages and ruptures are explored, understood and owned, and the capacity of each to reconnect in light of the betrayal.
Couples must stop suffering in silence
Couples cannot continue to suffer because of the silence and shame around the issue of extramarital affairs Affairs require secrecy, deception and lies in order to thrive. By ending this “code of silence,” couples play a part in diminishing the growth of extramarital affairs in our society and the pain experienced by those on all ends of affairs, including the innocent children.
Does an affair mean the end of the relationship?
Affairs will mean the end of some relationships. Others will tolerate the betrayal and, although they might never thrive, they’ll stay intact. For some people, this will be enough. For others, an affair can be a turning point, an opportunity to grow separately and together, and to reconnect in a way that is richer, stronger, closer and more sustainable. This will take time, reflection, brutal honesty and an almighty push from both people.
Putting the affair in context
The most important step to coming back from the brink of betrayal is to understand the affair within the context of the relationship, rather than as one or both person’s personal failure.
It would be easy, and understandably very tempting, to pile shame and blame on the person who had the affair, but this will squander any opportunity to address any deeper problems that contributed to the fracturing of the relationship. A couple can let each other down in plenty of ways. An affair is just one of them. Other ways include neglect, indifference, withholding of sex, failure to emotionally connect, and constantly overlooking the needs and wants of the other.
It’s important to look at intimacy, communication, expectations, need fulfillment and the way conflict or competing needs are handled in the relationship.
Good people make bad decisions
Good people make bad decisions. We do it all the time. We hurt the ones we love the most. We become, for a while, people we never imagined we could be. But the mistakes we make – and we all make them – impress in our core wisdoms and truths that weren’t there before. An affair is a traumatic time in a relationship, but it doesn’t have to define the relationship. Rather than collecting the broken pieces and scraping them from dustpan to bin, they can be used to put the relationship back together in a way that is stronger, more informed, wiser, and with an honesty and a love that is more sustainable.
How to heal from an affair, together or apart?
For a relationship to heal from betrayal, there is a need for brutal honesty from both people. If a relationship has been devastated by an affair, healing will take a lot of reflection on what went wrong, and what is needed to make it better, but if both people believe the relationship is worth fighting for, it can find its way back.
