Although Impeach is “a legal term used by the legislative body to level charges against a government official,” the heart of this word speaks to a decision many of us have faced when our relationships are on the brink of ending—whether or not to Impeach our partner … Impeach our relationship.
I have always been a fan of synonyms, so I looked up Impeach on dictionary.com. Synonyms for Impeach include: accuse, discredit, incriminate, cast doubt, indict, reprimand, call into question, hold at fault, blame, charge, criticize, bring charges against, disparage …
When we are facing an impasse, conflict, pain and/or deep dissatisfaction in our intimate partnerships, what often drives our language, our attitudes, our behaviors, and more significantly our dynamics, are driven by the media-driven, legalistic view of relationships because we are trained to look at them in terms of who is guilty and who is innocent.
I’ve heard folks say sarcastically, but they meant it, “I need to IMPEACH this son of #%&^&!”
When we get hurt, we “cast doubt, blame, discredit and accuse” (we use some or all of the synonyms above) to describe our partners. Then when it gets to be too much or we don’t get our way, we “Indict” the person. If we are married we call a lawyer, go to court so the judge can grant us an Impeachment of our partner via divorce.
This legalistic paradigm seems like a harsh way to contextualize love relationships, doesn’t it? Yeah … because it is. And we do this because we don’t know any other way.
It is also an insufficient way to view love and relationships because the language that comes with this worldview is driven by dynamics of ego, fear, competition, dominance, having power over and win/lose … instead of the language of love, collaboration, mutuality and connection.
I want you to think with me about relationships for a moment and the chaotic times we are living in … from a spiritual perspective. Spiritual, meaning devoid of religion or dogmatism.
In order to shift away from this legalistic perspective of relationships, we need a willingness to see beyond our perceptions of guilt vs innocence and into what our heart knows to be true. I am suggesting a shift from the head to the heart or from Ego to Soul.
All of the great spiritual teachings say that we are created in love and we cannot hold grievances. The 12 steps talk about letting go of resentments, Imago talks about healing our defensive adaptations through marriage and committed relationships, and Buddhism talks about this in terms of attachment: we cannot hold grievances and at the same time know ourselves.
To hold a grievance or to charge someone as guilty is to let the Ego rule our mind. The Ego’s goal is to isolate us, which is death to our spirit.
Just realize what holding guilt does to the mind. It splits us off from our Source, our connection to a Higher Power, Divine Intelligence or whatever you want to call it—and we are cut off from ourself.
I hear people say, “I can’t deal with this or that … I have to detach from that because it’s so toxic … I need to stay away.” This is a non-solution. This is avoidance. This is just another of the Ego’s sophisticated way of separation.
Freud defined neurosis as separation from Self.
Over the last decades, there has been a trend toward transformation, but the basic trend toward spiritual transformation and higher consciousness has been individual with a focus on individual pursuits—rather than relational. In some ways this focus on individual transformation has only magnified the problem.
James Hillman once wrote, “100 years of psychotherapy and we are messed up more than ever.”
This is the reason I am offering the Relationship Peace Building Conference 2019, as a way of honoring love and relationships. Relationships give love a bad wrap because we fail to admit that we don’t know what we are doing when it comes to relationships and sustaining them and as a result, we have become cynical and skeptical.
But the truth is we haven’t been taught. Most of what we have learned about relationships we learned in our families and it’s not sufficient for the big dreams we have. I hope you join us. Text 401-782-7899 to RSVP.
