Our relationships fail because we’re doing it all wrong. To obtain relationship success in 2020 — we have to know that we can tolerate ourselves and someone else—sometimes simultaneously. We need to both understand who we are and what feeds us—separately and together.
We are not the same—We are different! Even though we have a lot in common, we ARE two separate individuals. One of the biggest causes of relationship failure is trying to change our partner into a “mini-me” version of ourselves. An intimate relationship will bring out all the places where we are similar and all the places where we are different.
A high percentage of couples ends up divorcing or splitting up because they haven’t learned how to handle each other’s differences in a respectful, collaborative way. In addition, marriage/intimate relationship will offer us a seat at the edge of what we believe to be true: but truth is subjective—your truth and your partner’s truth. As such, we suffer relationship failure when we believe that Truth IS objective.
As a couple’s therapist/guide, I see partners who waste a lot of time and energy arguing over what they believe are the facts. There are no facts in a marriage/intimate relationship—just two people with two different perspectives. If there are facts, then who broke the law? Better yet, who makes the laws? Where is the judge? In divorce court. We borrowed this way of viewing marriage/intimate relationship from the legal system. Trying to prove our innocence or our partner’s guilt is corrosive because it annihilates trust. A trust deficit will cause relationship failure for sure.
Another big reason for relationship failure is misplaced blame. It is easier to see what our partner did rather than to look within ourselves to see how we contributed. Most of the time, I contribute by reacting, calling her names, blaming, yelling and shaming her. But in order to create this shift from blame to taking responsibility, I needed help. I needed help to see my part. This shift wasn’t automatic nor was it the way I was accustomed to operating.
I think most of us struggle with this shift because what we are used to seeing in relationships are people blaming and attacking each other. I needed a way to look into the mirror at the way I was thinking and acting in my relationships. I needed help to see my part and to let go of my self-righteous indignation and contempt for my partner.
Our relationships also fail because we think we know our partner, and they think they know us. We have frozen our perceptions of each other as “the enemy.” They are frozen in our mind and we believe they are the problem. We project what the other person has done wrong and we are blind to our own impact and shortcomings. Relationships frozen in blame are destined for a lifetime of pain and disappointment.
Another gigantic reason for relationship failure is we don’t learn to stay together for healing and reflection. (Did you know your relationship can be a refuge for healing and deep personal growth? That’s another conversation, let me finish this one). We can learn to stay by owning our own shortcomings and personality flaws and cleaning each other’s mirrors to find gold in all the struggle. In owning our own shortcomings, we give each other the opportunity to be vulnerable and a bridge to cross into the truth. Then we can recalibrate our miscommunication by showing up with a desire to listen.
We lie and pretend everything is okay because wer’re afraid to be vulnerable and lonely. Over time we both will lose the sense of who we are—emotionally and psychologically wounding each other with defensiveness, all in an effort for control, competition, being right, dominating and winning. Then … we begin to throw each other to the wolves as a sacrifice for our own survival in the relationship. It is a bitter, nasty way to end a marriage/intimate relationship with someone you once loved.
If you are struggling in some of these circumstances, you are not alone. Intimacy and relationships are a challenge for all of us! The decision to seek help doesn’t have to be the elephant in the living room.
In love and light,
Paula
