There is something utterly romantic about Christmastime, flickering fireplaces, lights and kissing under the mistletoe. It feels like the world slows down for a while and we are reminded that the best gifts are not always found under the tree, but are standing right in front of us with open and welcoming arms.
Ten years ago, I welcomed and opened my passion for couples, putting all my energy into working with them. Ironically, I was also opening and welcoming a relationship with Yael.
Although my prior relationship had lasted only 5 months, the future with all its dreams, hopes, potential and possibilities was calling me.
I wanted to get married.
I also knew I needed new tools and guidance to help me stay grounded in integrity and not do what I had always done before.
Even though Yael and I had been dating only three months at that time, I sensed that the Divine Choreographer had sent an angel … she was a keeper.
Some of us struggle to find out if someone is the “right” person. Even though I had a good feeling about Yael, I needed to learn that attracting the right person also requires ALIGNING and CONNECTING with BEING the “right” person.
We sometimes fall into confusion here in romantic relationships because if we sense that someone is “right” for us, we move our energy and focus away from ourselves, and start using it to protect ourselves from making mistakes we made in the PAST.
We spend energy analyzing the person, their relationship history and character flaws, which we always find because we are looking for them.
Then, after analyzing THEM, we compare the data against our failed relationships, which inevitably results in banishing them to the “WRONG” person category. We do this because the tool we use to determine whether or not a relationship will last is the PAST. We use the past as a gauge for current and future relationships.
I came to recognize that only using the the past as a gauge for current and future relationships, was not going to be and shouldn’t be enough to banish someone to the WRONG person category. At least it wasn’t with Yael.
Yes, based on my PAST there were issues that concerned me. Yes, compared to PAST relationships, I could see exactly how it wouldn’t work. Yes, analyzing her behaviors could have sent me running from the relationship, and I could find 10 people to say I made the right decision.
But I wanted to learn something NEW. I needed help to understand and do relationships in a NEW way.
Learning from a PAST that had already happened was simply not going to be enough because Yael and I were moving into a FUTURE that was going to be profoundly DIFFERENT from my past. And I realized that other tools and learning HAD to come into play if we were going to succeed.
So I started “learning about learning from the future as it emerges.” Learning from the future as it emerges requires embracing high levels of AMBIGUITY, UNCERTAINTY, INTUITION and a WILLINGNESS to fail.It means living inside a SHIFTING reality. When we begin “seeing” what we could not see before and “see our part” in maintaining (or recreating) our present circumstances, and deny that something new is emerging, the dam starts to break.
The dam broke! It broke when I “WOKE-UP” to the fact that I was doing what I had always done in PAST relationships, which was compare, shake my head to any NEW information emerging, and go right back to doing what I had always done. This is one of the reasons our PAST keeps repeating itself.
However, when we wake up it is critical that we also “see” that the FUTURE CAN be DIFFERENT, or we become paralyzed by the NEW awareness, or we react (consciously or unconsciously) in a way that will reinforce the old status–quo.
This “seeing” into the future that I am talking about today does not mean we are intellectually changed. It means we are opening our will toward a common connection, or a “third” level of seeing, that can unfold and unlock our deepest level of commitment.
Opening my will in the relationship with Yael came in several different forms. It came in embracing our magnificent histories (the pain and joy) and stories. It came in accepting who we were. It also came in respecting and being rigorously honest with each other, even though we did not know exactly “how” to do that or “what” it would look like.
So the question becomes how do we trust that “HOW” to do it will come?
First and foremost, we begin by letting go of control and preconceived fixed ideas which only allow us to get better at what we’ve always done. This kind of thinking had to go! So that some NEW knowledge could enter. I had never met anyone like Yael, so opening to the FUTURE as it was emerging … evolving was a critical first step.
The NEW knowledge about relationships that came to me was:
1. To trust that relationships are not problems to be solved, relationships are a mystery to be unraveled, an adventure to be embraced.
2. To trust that when there is conflict in relationships, that conflict is maturity knocking at the door inviting us to: come, flourish, expand and prosper.
3. To trust that our relationship is an invitation for the “little child” still inside of EACH of US to create a NEW story with an energizing fullness.
4. To trust that relationships have a higher purpose … a higher mission.
5. To trust that relationships are a crucible for transformation, healing, repair and completion.
When we open ourselves to new knowledge, the “how” comes.
It came to us in the form of connecting deeply with who we really are, (not trying to protect ourselves from the relationship) and both of us doing our part to create what was, AND realizing a FUTURE that embodies what we deeply, deeply care about.
Had I not been able to take in some NEW information, continued pathologizing and using the PAST to gauge the relationship with Yael; or … had I allowed the NEW information to paralyze me, I could have easily seen that she was the “WRONG” person. And any dreams of a FUTURE filled with possibilities and hope and marriage would have been derailed and you wouldn’t be reading this kind of email today from me.
Christmastime is a time when we share gifts and special wishes with those we love and care about. My special wish for you is that you allow yourself to open to NEW knowledge of learning from the FUTURE as it is emerging within your relationship. Open your will to what is absolutely unthinkable and trust that the “how” will come. Innovative, energizing, life-giving, inspiring, relationships come from doing things differently, and not continuing to act in ways that are comfortable and familiar.
Merry Christmas and may you continue Loving OUT Loud in 2016,
Paula
