Humility
We misunderstand this word. I know I did. As a 50-something-year-old adult, I have come to realize that humility is at the root of all growth, learning and kindness. 12-step literature defines humility as “a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be.”
How does a person learn humility?
Full disclosure: Learning humility was difficult for me because I lived with a false sense of self—I didn’t know who I was. I was used to pretending … people pleasing … talking sh#t about things I knew nothing about and embellishing about my life and successes to the point that nothing felt real—not even me. I was suspicious of everything. Do you know that feeling? I think on some level we all do. I was trying to keep up with a world that, for the most part, didn’t know that I existed or even cared.
This process of humility started to seep into my daily life when I entered recovery 32 years ago. Actually, I was forced into humility. How? I was forced to admit that I had a problem with alcohol. My employer recommended that I do something or else, so—I embraced the help. That was new for me because I was used to pretending I had it all together, but in reality I was suffering.
I think we adults have a very difficult time with humility because we’ve bought into the twisted notion that humility means weakness and passivity. Not true. According to several dictionaries, the definition of a person who displays humility is someone who acts “stable, steady, calm, patient, open-minded, nonjudgmental, temperate and realistic.”
The people I know who show humility let their life and work speak for itself. They deal with suffering with grace, honesty and dignity, and they remind themselves — and others — that life is fragile and therefore valuable.
Humility as a daily practice quells ignorance and cultivates grace. I love this quality in the folks I hold dear.
Curiosity
Without curiosity, we cannot engage— successfully. Curiosity drives an insatiable quest for knowledge, culture, experience, beauty, art and my favorite—relational connection. Curiosity is the foundation upon which we can build a life filled with stories, memories, accomplishments and thriving relationships.
People who exhibit curiosity can become whatever they want to become. But first, they must always have an open mind. People who are curious listen to absorb (not argue), they listen to be changed (not to one-up) by what someone else is saying.
In my work with couples, one of the therapy goals is to help partners remain curious about themselves, their marriage/relationship and each other. I want all of us to remain curious, routinely examining our worlds through fresh eyes and using our eyes, hearts and ears to discover new landscapes in the world and each other.
Empathy
This trait is the miracle of humanity. I wish I could bottle this up and give it away. It is the simplest, sweetest attribute anyone can possess and the one most worth cultivating for social success. Empathy means I put myself in your shoes and imagine what life must be like for you. Empathy brings us closer.
When we empathize, we help others feel understood and less alone inside. And if there is one thing we are all looking to become a little less of—it’s feeling alone.
Aren’t you?
Genuinely empathic people care. They also remind us that it is okay to just sit and be with another person, in silence, and not invade their boundaries.
This unique ability to understand the world through another’s eyes and cut to the heart of what others are feeling and experiencing is indeed miraculous. Empathy breeds compassion, connection and love. Empathy is a vital precursor for honesty.
You may have noticed that the three are closely related. This is no accident. If we think about it, when we stack humility, curiosity and empathy on top of each other, we can easily see how they amplify each other.
Humility is the soul. Curiosity is the mind. Empathy is the heart.
Always a work in progress and with deep gratitude for this community,
Paula
